I started writing a blog post at the beginning of this week and I had every intention of posting it. I still will, just not today.
Instead I am taking to my blog to write about my week. This week has been AWFUL. I thought last week was rough, but, no. This week has actually been worse.
I felt a lot calmer on Friday and over the weekend. I then woke Monday morning feeling like I had really hit rock bottom. Every morning I have woken this week and just want to roll over and go back to sleep, I don’t want to see anyone and certainly don’t want to talk to anyone. I can hear my husband and the kids having breakfast and I feel, guilty. Guilty I am not up, making the breakfast, chatting to my hubby and the kids and thinking about what to do with my day. Instead I am dragging myself out of bed, desperate for a cup of tea and to take my antidepressants. Anything to just make me feel like Stacey. Each morning this week I have made the effort to help my hubby with the kids, mainly making their lunches and tying up Little Miss’ hair. I breathe a huge sigh of relief when they all leave, it’s quiet, I can slob around in my pjs and drink tea.
I absolutely HATE feeling like this. When did everything go so wrong? Why can’t I be like I was a month ago? I desperately want to ENJOY my kids, but I don’t. Instead I’m wishing they would be quiet and leave me alone. Little Miss is so caring and happy to see to see me, I give her a cuddle hoping it will help. She tells me “Mummy, you’re the best” and asks me what’s wrong? I reply with “Mummy is sad and needs hugs”. I have no idea how to explain how I really feel to my three year old.
Mr Happy will look at me and smile but he favours my hubby for everything he needs. The rational part of my brain is trying to tell me it’s just because I haven’t been able to pick him up post surgery , but the emotional part is taking over and saying he doesn’t need you, he doesn’t like you, you are a rubbish Mum. The emotional part of my brain is winning.
This fog is horrible, it’s robbing me of my sleep, appetite, being a parent, a wife, a friend and ability to work. There are things I need to buy, want to do with the kids but my usual enjoyment for shopping and motivation for life has deserted me.
The past few days all I have wanted to do is sit around in my pj’s all day, but a friend visited yesterday afternoon and I went for a walk with another friend this morning. Thank you ladies, because of your visit and encouraging me to get out, I have showered and dressed even though I didn’t want too.
I’m hoping when I wake tomorrow I can begin to see the fog starting to clear, I’m desperate to be who I was.
Image from Pinterest