I woke this morning, and I actually wanted to get up. I did think about rolling over and closing my eyes but I thought to myself ‘I’ll get up and have a cup of tea”. And I actually made Mr Happy his porridge, something I haven’t done for quite a few weeks and I felt proud I accomplished this task. It may sound a small task, but to me it was huge.
See that’s one of the things about depression, carrying out and finishing a task no matter how big or small is actually impossible. For the past few weeks, for many days I have had to force myself to do things we manage to do nearly everyday. Plus, my appetite has been non existent, and when I have eaten I probably haven’t eaten the best foods. But who cares? Its food right? I know that eating well is fundamental to helping with depression, but I struggle to make something nutritious when I have hardly any energy, motivation or an appetite. And the thought of going out feels me with dread. Plus I often say to myself ‘be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can”.
I also know it is important to get out for a walk, exercise in fresh air is great for boosting a mood, but yet again it was something else that I struggled with. I did get out for a walk with a friend one morning last week which was good. I was really proud of myself for doing it and making the effort. My hubby phoned when I got home and asked if I wanted to meet him in town for lunch. It was a lovely thought, but I had already wanted to turn the car round when driving to meet my friend as the anxiety was kicking in. I was now home and I wanted to stay. I felt secure and safe. He of course understood, he just wanted to check in and see how I was doing.
I have made a few plans for this week, which is good for me. And I am even preparing to be home with Mr Happy all by myself one day this week. To me this will be a big day, which is strange as this was something that would happen quite often. I’m so desperate to have a relationship with Mr Happy again and of course Little Miss. I’m hoping we will have a good day together and if everything doesn’t go as planned, I can call my hubby at work for support.
As I am starting to see a glimpse of light through the fog, I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that things will get better. I’m looking forward to being Stacey again, a Mum who wants to spend time with her children and be a wife. It will also be good to enjoy doing the things that make me, and to actually go outside and see people again. Thinking of this brings me hope and a smile to my face.