Being the Mum I want to be

We all have those nights where we are tired but can’t seem to fall asleep, right? But it’s been quite a few nights this week, in between the coughing, the blocked nose and my thoughts, ahhhhhh!
I’ve been incredibly thoughtful lately, but the other night was definitely an exception. In my attempt to off load my thoughts into my notebook, I found myself thinking more and more. I often find I will think of an idea to blog about right on bedtime,  I usually write things down and I’m done.

imageThis quote popped up on my Facebook recently and it got me thinking about the the kind of Mum I want to be, and my relationship with my Mum. We’ve had our moments when I was growing up when we didn’t get on, but now we are in a great place. I think living on the opposite side of world has helped, I don’t think we take each other for granted. Now I’m a Mum myself I understand a lot more of why my Mum thinks the way she does. When I think back, I remember all the good times with my Mum, more than the bad. I have always felt loved and know she has done the best for me, even when I couldn’t see it at the time.

I also found myself thinking about something someone said to me the other week when I was caught up in the fog. I know that I was not in a good place and I wasn’t able to think about things rationally and I understand it was not meant to upset me, but it did. I found it has played on my mind and I needed to write this blog to unload. I don’t know about you but I know that I’m a highly sensitive person and I can take things the wrong way. I’m terrible for subconsciously beating myself up if I’m having a bad day. I often describe myself as a ‘Bad Mum’, and think to myself, ‘It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I should want to play with my kids’ and ‘Shouldn’t I be happy I have two beautiful children?’  Yes I know I am not a ‘Bad Mum’, but just lately I haven’t felt I have been a good enough Mum.

I know my kids will not be babies, toddlers or preschoolers for ever, but I don’t want to ‘force’ myself to play with them. In just under two years Little Miss will be at school (gulp), but she will be a different girl by then. I’m sure she will excited to share with me all the new skills she is learning at school. I also find as she is getting older there are different ways I can spend time with her. Such as shopping dates, movie dates, going for lunch and helping her with craft activities. I know one day she will have friends that she will want to play and spend time with, but I’m her Mum. I’m sure we will still have quality time together. Of course it won’t be the same as the things we do together now, but as I will watch her grow we have lots of Mum/Daughter time to look forward too.

image image imageThis of course applies to Mr Happy too. He is currently 16 months old but they grow quickly. It will be a little while yet until he will be school age. I know I have so much to watch him experience and seeing him reach his milestones is just as exciting as when Little Miss reached hers. Plus seeing him doing things in his own way and his personality developing all the time makes my heart swell.

I’m going to try not to give myself a hard time, my children are loved, happy and most importantly healthy. So what I don’t always want to play with them, but I am here. Plus I see it is as a good thing if they learn to play on their own. Isn’t that how imagination develops and builds social skills? I think it is rather healthy to enjoy time on your own and feel comfortable with your own company. I remember going to friends houses after school and having friends over. I would always enjoy spending time with my friends. But I reckon it’s always nice to go home to Mum and Dad.

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2 thoughts on “Being the Mum I want to be

  1. I really relate to feeling like a “bad mum”. I used to think something was terribly wrong with me when I didn’t want to play with my kids. When I have been really unwell with depression sometimes I couldn’t even manage being in the same room as them. But even when I am well there is a limit to how much I want to play with my kids. Sometimes I really have to make myself. I am very grateful to the mums I know who are honest about feeling the same way. I learned through them that it is quite a commonfeeling for Mums and not a symptom of being a bad Mum. I often want to get housework done or just have a break. Yes my kids need quality time but they don’t need it all the time. I used to have such unrealistic expectations of myself but now I try to remind myself that good enough is good enough.

    Liked by 1 person

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