How I’m feeling

Sharing my journey with depression or what I refer to as ‘the fog’ several months ago, was incredibly hard. I debated sharing the post, how would people respond when I shared with friends, family and strangers how I had been feeling. I felt like I had let myself and those closest to me down. Would anyone want to read it? In the end, I did what felt right and I clicked on the ‘publish’ button.

The response was overwhelming and for that I am extremely grateful. Originally I wrote the post for me, I needed somewhere I could share my thoughts and feelings. But I found people sharing how they were and had been feeling too.

Generally life has been getting better and better, I feel most of the time I’m in a good place. I get out of bed in the morning and actually want to get up and I look forward to the day ahead (most of the time). My days with both my kids, (Little Miss and Mr Happy), can actually be fun, although we still have our challenging moments, I find I’m always looking for new and different things to do with them.

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Mr Happy 19 months

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Little Miss

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Mr Happy 19 months

Of course the fog is always there, I accept that. It will probably be always there, hanging around and most definitely not welcome. But that’s ok. I feel more confident that I know, (at times) how to deal with the hours or days where I feel like running away. I have still been seeing my counsellor and this time it is almost a year since I started seeing her again. I’m pretty sure my next appointment with her is my last, and I’m kinda freaking out about it. Will I cope not having her to talk to every few weeks, will it send me backwards. When I next see her I will be sure to share my concerns. Has anyone else ever felt like this????? When I finished seeing her other times, I always felt ready. Does the way I’m feeling now mean I’m not ready? Or has seeing her become a part of life I’m not ready to part with? Ahhhhhh!!!!

Even though I’m generally happier in myself I still have some shit moments and days, but I don’t seem to get as overwhelmed. It does of course depend on what is happening that day. I keep myself busy and work is always a good distraction for me. But I have been thinking lately if some of my friends feel pushed away? I never meant to do that, I don’t mean to isolate myself at all. I have felt at times that I wasn’t a good person to be around and I have probably distanced myself with knowing. If you are reading this and you feel I have pushed away, believe me it was intentional at all.

Do you have somewhere you like to go when you feel overwhelmed? For me it’s the cemetery, I visit Alex. I will sit with him and feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair and I’ll allow myself to be with my thoughts. It’s often quiet there and a good place to think and reflect.

So I think I’m done, I’ve put my thoughts out there. Thanks for reading.

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