Remembering Alex

10:18am on Friday 3rd June 2011, is a day forever etched in my mind. It is the day we welcomed Alex Michael Smith into the world. He couldn’t stay though, he was stillborn. He was 27 weeks gestation, a perfect bundle of 2lb 2oz and 37cm long. There was nothing wrong with our dear boy. My husband was holding my hands as I birthed Alex and I remember looking to my left hand side and my Mum was holding onto my Mother-in-law, both were crying. Tears of sadness? Or maybe tears of joy. Or maybe both. I remember being asked by the midwife before he was born if I wanted him placed on my stomach. “I don’t know”, I replied, “let’s just get him out first”. My first instinct was to grab him and pull him close, which I did. I looked at my Mum and said “He looks so familiar” and she said “Of course he does, he yours”. He sure was, is, my first born Son and baby.


We spent most of that day with Alex at the hospital in the room in which he were born. The things I remember most about that day are holding him, staring him and loving every one of those previous moments. Only a few family members got the privilege to see him and hold him, we decided it wasn’t a time for friends to visit. We took as many photos as we could. I had left my camera at home, but luckily the others who were there took photos. I couldn’t bring myself to have a photo with Alex, I felt I had to smile in the photo and I didn’t feel like smiling. That is something now I wish I had done. I think we always look back at pivotal moments in our life and think about how we could of changed them to make it better. I do love the photos we have, they are very special. Leaving the hospital without him was gut wrenching. I’m sure I must of cried the whole way home. I feel a piece of me died that day and that part is with Alex. I hold his memory in my heart and he was buried in mine and Daddy’s love.

Wednesday 3rd June 2015, Happy 4th Birthday to Alex. 🍰🍰🍰🍰🎈🎈🎈🎈

My husband and I decided last year that each year we would use Alex’s birthday as a family day. We would both take the day off work and do something fun with Little Miss and Mr Happy. We are thinking about swimming, since Little Miss has been asking to go to the pool lately. We will visit his grave at the cemetery, take him some flowers and we will release 3 balloons. We released 2 balloons at his funeral and it has always seemed to be something special we can do each year to mark his birthday and to eventually involve his siblings. We chose 3 balloons because we felt one balloon represented us, his parents and siblings, one balloon on behalf of my family and the third balloon symbolises my husbands family.

Last year I made 3 cupcakes, so this year it will be 4. Plus I have the added help of Little Miss to help me decorate the cupcakes. She has already requested we make Alex a pink one! Each year I try to think of something we can do as a present for him, the idea of donating money to a worthy cause is always a good thought. But back at the beginning of April CarlyMarie  was offering a deal on one oh her beach butterfly memorial prints. There were lots to choose from but I’m pleased with the one I picked. We can put the print onto a photo, card or a canvas if we wish.


For those of you that are interested CarlyMarie has a Facebook page and a website. She is a bereavement artist from Perth, Australia and she will be the keynote speaker at the Sands Conference in Wellington on 19-21st of June, so I’m looking forward to hearing her speak.


Thank you if you have read this, it means a lot to me to be able to share my journey.

Turning 34………

The day is almost here, May 25th is my birthday!!! 34, geez I’m getting old. I guess since I will be 34 I must be in my mid 30’s?! That freaks me out more than actually turning a year older. Perhaps I’ll just tell people I’m in my early to mid 30’s, haha. I popped to the supermarket a couple of evenings ago and I got asked for ID. Yes! I must look younger than 25. I remember when I was younger, I used to get offended if I was asked for ID but the other night, I was actually happy to hand over my drivers license.

I have had so much positive response towards my blog, thanks everyone. I really wasn’t expecting it, so thank you for taking the time to read it.

I thought I would share a few things about me, some of you may already feel you ‘know’ me but I’m sure there will be at least one thing of the list that you didn’t know. Since I’ll be 34 in a couple of days, I’ll share 34 things about me,

1) I was born in Bolton, but grew up in Bournemouth

2) My favourite animal is a Pig

3) I have 3 tattoos

4) My man crush is Ryan Phillipee

 

5) My girl crush is Jennifer Lawrence

 

6) I have had my heart broken

7) One of my favourite songs is ‘Pure Shores’ by All Saints

8) I love to watch trash TV, Teen Mom OG is my current fave

9) I love the Back to the Future trilogy, the second one is my fave.

10) I HATE frogs

11) I’m currently taking antidepressants

12) I snore (so the husband tells me) I blame the antidepressants!

13) I don’t like olives

14) I love mushrooms

15) I’m afraid of heights

16) I would love to visit New York

17) My favourite band is Muse

18) One of my pet hates is when strangers stand too close to me in a queue

19) I have to close curtains in a certain way

20) I can’t stand black liquorice 

21) In my opinion the best TV show ever was Friends 

 

(I definitely do this!)

22) I enjoy reading

23) I’m not a strong swimmer

24) I passed my driving test when I was 21, on my third attempt

25) I have skydived

26) I cry every time I watch Forrest Gump

 

27) I’m not a Star Wars fan

28) I have never cooked a roast dinner on my own

29) I get the hiccups when I eat anything too spicy

30) When I left school I almost starting training to be a nursery nurse

31) I love yoga

32) I have had professional counselling, and continue to still see a counsellor 

33) I want to be a palliative care nurse

34) I’m contemplating a 4th tattoo…….


Now I have finished this list I can suddenly think of more things I could add to it. Originally when I thought of writing 34 things about myself I thought I wouldn’t manage it, but I did. It was actually fun.