How My Support Group Saved Me

I wondered for a little while how to start this post, should I launch straight in to what I want to say or explain a little bit about my lack of posts.

Life is just busy, parenting, working, living, all these things keep me busy, so I’m not going to go too much in to detail. Besides I did that in a post I wrote a few months ago.

I shared via my Facebook page my first story as a contributor for Still Standing magazine in July this year, titled Remembering my Son , but my second article posted in August wasn’t shared, I just didn’t get around to it. This week, the 9th-15th October is Baby loss awareness week. This is a recognised worldwide and concludes with a Wave of Light ceremony at 7pm on the 15th October. The thought behind it is, where ever in the world you live when it is 7pm you light a candle in memory of your baby or the babies that are gone to soon, and let it burn for at least an hour.

Due to time zones throughout the world, a ‘Wave of Light’ is creating around the globe, pretty cool huh? Most Sands groups throughout New Zealand organise a Wave of Light ceremony, which the public can then go to. If you choose not to, you can always light a candle at home.

The main point of this post is to share with you the post I wrote for Still Standing magazine in August, titled How My Support Group Saved Me.

I have another post which will be live on the Still Standing magazine website in the next few weeks, plus one in November and another in December. Having an outlet to share mty grief is really good.

Thanks for reading,

Stacey xxxx

 

 

June

The month of June, I look forward to it but I also dread it. I love it but I also dislike it.

June marks the half way point of the year, and dare I say it, only another six months until Christmas, eek! June is also the beginning of summer in England and the beginning of winter in New Zealand. Living in New Zealand now for just over 12 years I am well adjusted to the seasons here, but June will always be a summer month to me.
I celebrate and remember some pretty special people during this month. The first week of June, it is one of my younger brothers birthday and Little Misses birthday. (I still remember the same brother saying to me shortly before I had Little Miss that I wasn’t too have her on his birthday, as it was his day). Brothers huh?

June 2nd 2011 was the day my beloved Grandpa passed away, he lived for 97 years, pretty good innings huh? And the 3rd June 2011 was the day I delivered our beloved, firstborn baby boy Alex.

This year marked five years since we met him and said goodbye to him. Wow, five years, it’s quite a milestone huh? The build up to the day was harder that the actual day itself, it always is. I had the day planned, I knew how we would celebrate his day and we did.

It is a day to remember him, but of course it is also a day to celebrate. I miss him everyday, and often find my mind wandering at different times of the day, what would he look like, what would he enjoy? What would he have liked for his fifth birthday?

A few days leading up to his birthday I explained to Little Miss that we would be having a family day for Alex’s birthday. Mummy and Daddy would not be going to work and the four of us would have a day of fun. Little Miss decided Chipmunks would be a great idea (indoor soft play venue), followed by cupcakes for afternoon tea and a trip to the cemetery with Nana and Grandad (my Husband’s parents) to do our balloon release.

When I was having this conversation with Little Miss, one evening after dinner, she looked at me and said “But Mummy, Alex is supposed to go to school this year”. With these words I burst into tears. Just hearing these words from my daughter made the event seem more real. I hadn’t felt like crying prior to my chat with her, so the tears caught myself as well as her off guard. I guess with the lead up to the actual day, the tears were a form of release. Little Miss and I shared a hug and I explained to her that Alex couldn’t go to school because he lives with the stars, but he would be watching over her when it will be her and Mr Happy’s turn to venture off to school.

To us Alex is our shining star, we look to the sky at night and we can always see him. Little Miss will always point to one of the brightest stars and says it is Alex. For me and our family I feel it is really important to have a symbol we can look for and see and be able to think of our boy and big brother.

We had a lovely day remembering Alex and celebrating his fifth year. To me as hard as it is, his birthday is a celebration. He existed, he was and still is my first born baby. I think of him everyday, and these days I smile. It wasn’t always easy to smile but know I feel that I can.

Here are some of the photos from our day.

Mr Happy

Slide Fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Yummy Cupcakes

Beautiful Flowers 3 vases xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Balloon release

xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mothers Day

Sunday May 8th is Mothers Day in New Zealand, Australia (where some amazing Mumma’s live!) as well as several other countries. The day to awknowledge our special Mum’s and thank them for everyone they have done and continue to do for us. This day has always been a day I haven’t forgotten (memory of an elephant over here!) and now I am a Mum myself it is even more significant.

Unfortunately Mothers Day isn’t always a joyous event, it ends up being another day we would rather just forget about.

Mothers Day 2011, I was pregnant with our firstborn, dear Alex. I remember working that day and a few people mentioned to me, that Mothers Day next year would be my first Mothers Day because my baby would be here. Apparently, some people thought being obviously pregnant means you aren’t a Mother yet or deserve a Mothers Day. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, why would I? I would have my baby next year to celebrate being a Mummy with.

Moving on to Mothers Day 2012. I was heavily pregnant with my second baby, (with our soon to be four year old daughter). This Mothers Day officially sucked arse! I was angry and sad my baby wasn’t in my arms. I knew I was a Mother but I thought back to the comments I had the previous year, this WAS supposed to be my ‘first’ Mothers Day. Instead, I was blessed to be pregnancy but also mourning the loss of my boy. I remember my thoughts drifted to “Why me? Why my baby? And would I be able to celebrate Mothers Day next year?”

You are probably wondering what it the point of this blog post? Well, for me I look forward to Mothers Day, as I’m sure most Mothers do, but I also dread it. As my boy’s fifth anniversary looms next month I find myself thinking about him more and more as the day comes closer. And sadly Mothers Day is another reminder that I have three children but only two to wrap my arms around.

Mothers Day can be incredibly difficult for Mothers that have lost children or are yet to have living children and of course those that do not have their mother around to share the day with.

Some women will choose to ignore this day and want to hide away from the world and that is fine, but please remember you are a Mother, this beautiful quote from Franchesca Cox sums up exactly how I and some others Mum’s feel

“A Mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, but by the love she holds in her heart”

My beautiful ‘Queen Mum’ mug from Sands New Plymouth xxx

 

This is an awesome article by Lexi Behrndt of Scribbles and Crumbs

7 Ways To Remember the Hurting Mothers This Mother’s Day

Please be kind to yourself  on this day if it is particulary hard for you, sending love and hugs dear Mumma.

Loss: Part Four- Wonderful Mama

This a post I wrote for Emma Stewart of Wonderful Mama in November 2015.

Emma was asking for Women to share stories of Baby Loss.

I was able to share my story of the loss of Alex

• Feelings at the time
• Reflection
• Advice to Others

My hope is that no has to experince the devasting loss of a baby/child. I write about my loss as it is my therapy of working through my grief and if my story was read by another ad helped them than I hope it helps.

Loss: Part Four

Much Love

Stacey xxxx

Guest Blog post: Mama Love Magazine

A little while ago, Leigh from Mama Love Magazine was looking for writers to share stories about Motherhood and tales of Inspiring and amazing women. The posts are titled ‘Tales From The Hood’.

I got in contact with Leigh and I told her about my blog, my passion for writing and hopefully helping others through my experiences.

I was asked to write a piece on my experience and my feelings after I lost Alex in 2011. To begin with I actually found it really hard to write what I wanted to say, and for the first time I experienced a touch of writers block!

In the end the words flowed and it all came together.

I have since reread the piece several times since it posted on the Mama Love Magazine website and I am so, so proud. I actually think this is one of my favourite pieces of writing.

Stacey xxx

After The Loss Of Alex- Mama Love Magazine

 

 

 

Guest Blogger for MeOhMy Mum

I wrote a guest blog post for the lovely Siobhan at MeOhMy

I share my experience of my pregnancies after the loss of Alex

Pregnancies After Loss

 

 

Dear Lily

I realise as I start to write this, the person who it is intended for my actually never see it. But that is not going to stop me from writing. I need to write to this person, they need to know how their story has provided me with comfort at times. What we have both experienced, as well as what others have experienced, well there are no words to explain it. There are many words I could use to describe it, but I am not going to list those words right now.

As soon as I saw the post on social media post yesterday morning, I had to open the link immediately. I read the brief story and then I listened, to a beautifully written song.

Here is the song “Something’s Not Right” Lily Allen contributed to the movie Pan.

 

Lily Allen thank you. Thank you for sharing this song and your thoughts about your Son with the world.

I remember hearing and reading about the loss of your son five years ago, I was heartbroken for you. I couldn’t imagine what you were thinking, feeling and going through at that time. I felt sad for you and just wanted what I reading not too be true. Through your music and seeing you perform live, you came across as such a feisty, carefree and strong woman. Would or could you still be this woman I imagined she you were this heartbreaking loss? I guess the only person who can answer that is Lily herself.

Lily you have kept your loss of your Son private and I thank you for now sharing. On the anniversary of the fifth year since you first met your boy. The words are beautiful and honest. You may of been told you are a strong and brave woman, and you truly are. Although at times you would not of felt like that. I too have had those words to me and I too do not feel strong and brave. I have experienced something very similar to you though, I too lost my firstborn baby, a Son.

I mentioned earlier I remember the time when you had your loss, it was before I knew I was pregnant with my first baby. After my loss, I thought about you and realised we had something in common, we had both joined a club we didn’t want to join. I find myself rereading your story on the Internet, I was desperate to talk to anybody who understood and could give me any form of comfort at that time.

Like yourself, I too am a strong supporter of Sands. I went to my first meeting a month after Alex died and I still go to monthly meetings now, four years on. I am extremely passionate about Sands and I’m constantly searching for ways to awknowledge Alex’s memory.

I will now end this note to you now Lily, we will probably never meet but I wanted you to know how truly special this song is, thank you again for sharing it. I know it is not always for everyone to share and put their thoughts and feeling out there for others to read and hear.

Here on The Daily Mail website Lily Allen shares how losing her Son is something “I’ll never get over”

I will end this post by sharing my favourite Lily Allen song ‘The Fear’

 

Remembering and Reflecting

October can be an up and down month for me. It’s getting closer to Christmas, I’m already planning what to buy and how we will celebrate the day and the weather is starting to get warmer. The clocks have gone forward so summer is officially around the corner. I find the the beginning of the month is pretty busy and an incredibly emotional time, remembering Alex. There are a couple of big events during this month. The 9th-15th is Babyloss awareness week. For me this was the first year I helped to organise the events to symbolise this important time.

As I am now the Secretary of our local Sands group. I realise now as I write this that some people may not know what Sands stands for. It used to be an acronym, Stillbirth and neonatal death support (I think!) but nowadays pregnancy, baby and infant loss support is how New Zealand describe Sands. Geez, I hope this is making sense. Here’s the link for . I have a lot of love for Sands, I truely believe if it hadn’t been for Sands, I’m sure my grief would of taken me down a very, dark path…..

Love this xxx

Back to Babyloss awareness week……. I volunteered to contact the local paper to ask if we could advertise our events in our area. I got in touch with the paper towards the end of September and received a yes quickly and then waited to hear back from them.

I was contacted on the first Monday of the month, (which is actually the day when we have the Sands monthly meeting in the evening), we arranged to do an interview for the newspaper the following day. Whilst I was at the meeting , I received a phone call from the reporter who was going to be during the story and she asked if there would be someone willing to talk about Stillbirth. I discussed with he group about the phone conversation and I said I could share my story about Alex.

For me four years into my journey, I felt I had the strength to share my story. For the first few years I felt I had to hide the fact my first baby had died and I had a stillbirth. It sounds a bit strange to me now, but I felt I had to protect myself and him. Plus, I also found the tears would come nearly every time I spoke of him. But now, I feel very privileged to share my story, I’m a proud Mum of three. Speaking about him, does take me back to the events of four years ago,  but it’s ok. They are extremely important memories and it’s a pleasure in include him. Read my story here

Stuff.co.nz Friday 9th October 2015

I had such an overwhelming response to my story being in the newspaper and a massive THANK YOU to those of you who took the time to message me, leave a comment, I even heard from people I don’t talk to much these days, it I was really pleased to with the way the article turned out. The reporter was lovely and as I shed a few tears whist talking about certain parts, it was comforting to not feel awkward about crying in front of someone I hadn’t met before. I now know allowing the tears to flow are good, they are a good and healthy release.

Our balloon release last Sunday the 11th went well and it was featured in the local paper. As much as I am proud to share my story, I am mainly pleased about raising awareness for Sands and hopefully helping others. I would anyone to feel alone in their loss and grief. Link to the Taranaki Daily News article discussing the balloon release Balloons released to remember lost babies

October 15th is when we remember our precious babies by lighting a candle at 7pm, and letting it burn for an hour. This is done all around the world and therefore it is referred to as ‘Wave of Light’. There was a service at the chapel at the hospital, and myself and a few other mums arranged songs and readings. I actually did a reading this year, those who know may know I’m not a public speaker but I felt I wanted to read something. When I thought about what to read, the only thing I thought of was a reading I read at Alex’s funeral. I hadn’t looked at it since I read it out over four years ago, but it seemed the right time to share it. So, I got up and read it, had to read through the lump in my throat in a couple of places, but I did it. When I sat down, I cried. Reading it out loud again took my mind back to his funeral. But I’m glad I read it and I had some lovely comments from people afterwards.

‘Wave of Light’. Candle lit at 7pm, burned for one hour.

Individual candles lit to remember our babies

All set up ready for people to light their own individual candles

 

 

I’m pretty pleased that part of the month is over, it’s emotionally exhausting but worthwhile all at the same time.

This month I was also the feature blogger for AskingMums, check out my blog post if you haven’t already. It has been a real honour to share some of thoughts and ramblings with people. Here is my first submission to AskingMums Mummy Guilt

I also have a few more things planned, so watch this space!

Goodbye September, Hello October

Wow, another week has gone by and tomorrow will be October. Lots happening next month, I have a ball to go too and a wedding, fun times! Plus the other day I found out one of dear friends in England is expecting a baby soon, I love a bit of baby shopping!!!

I don’t work again until Sunday so I had planned to have a day to myself. Poor Mr Happy is not so happy though, he’s sick poor guy. It’s not even lunchtime and he is on his second nap for the day. So a lazy day ahead for us, gives me a chance to do some writing and watch TV. I really enjoy Mr Selfridge, so I’m catching up with that. I just love the clothes, the way they talk and its history. Believe or not I find some history quite interesting. Any other secret Mr Selfridge fans out there????

I’ve always been a bit of a TV watcher, I mean who isn’t?  I find these days I have to be quite selective about what I watch. I will admit though I still watch Eastenders, (much to my husbands annoyance!). For those of you who don’t know it’s a soap set in the East end of London and its been on U.K television since 1985. I have probably watched it from the beginning on/off. We are fortunate to have Sky and I follow it on UKTV. Anyway, I found out that would be covering the storyline of Stillbirth. As someone who has unfortunately experienced one I was keen to see how they would portray it. The U.K. is several weeks ahead of the episodes here in NZ so I was quite prepared for when it would be screened here.

I’m glad they have chosen to portray such a taboo subject. 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss and sadly I am one of those four. I read quite a few stories and watched a few clips before the Eastenders episodes were available here to watch, I wanted to mentally prepare myself. And they did a great job. It made me feel like my experience was normalised and I’m not alone. It took me back to how I had felt at the time, and it was ok. I embrace it, I awknowledge I feel sad and it brings me comfort, if that makes sense. Eastenders had a lot to do with Sands in the U.K whilst they were researching the topic and filming. And I really think the actors who portray the Mother and the Father to the baby did a great job. If you feel you want too, I have selected a couple of the scenes from the recent storyline which I found powerful and what I could relate too.

 

I have been working on some other projects alongside my blog which I’m pretty excited about. Unfortunately I’m not going to share too much right now, hopefully I will be able to tell more soon!!!!! I have approached a couple of online Mum type websites and other blogs, so watch this space.

I’ve developed a bit of an obsession with Instagram, actually who am I kidding I am obsesses with Instagram. It’s been great and putting me in touch with other bloggers and just seeing what others get up too. I actually applied to be a Brand Representative for a couple of businesses I saw via Instagram, sadly I wasn’t picked. I wasn’t really expecting to be but I was gutted. I’m ok now, I’m just too sensitive for my own good. I’m just really keen to help out any small businesses by helping them promote what they have. I guess I will have to see what else comes along.

October also marks babyloss awareness week which is the 9th-15th October. I’m working with my local Sands group to organise some events for this week. We will do a balloon release on the 11th and there will be the ‘Wave of Light’ service on the 15th. I might save how the events of this week go for another blog post.

CarlyMarie, (a bereaved mother who I have mentioned before in previous blog Sands Conference Wellington 19-21 June 2015),  is doing her fourth year of Capture Your Grief. This is a monthly photo challenge for the month of October. I only found out about this year at the Sands conference and when I heard about it, I was immediately keen to take part. The prompts were shared a few days ago. Looking at some of them I’m wondering how I can photograph some of the prompts, I will have to get thinking. I did also think it would be nice to maybe write a few words each day. I will have to let you know how I get on.

The journal I will use to document Capture your Grief 2015

I actually wrote the beginning of this post several days ago before Mr Happy had to go into hospital. I thought it was best to get him checked out by our GP, who quickly rang the hospital as he felt he should be seen by the doctors there. His respiration rate was 60, normal range is 35-45 and his heart was beating faster than usually. Plus watching him breath, he was sucking in his chest where he shouldn’t of been. This poor Mumma, wanted her Mumma but couldn’t, several times I almost burst into tears but managed to push them away. I had to be strong for my boy, plus he was still reasonably happy in himself. By doing this though I have been left feeling overwhelmed and low in mood, how I wish I had let myself cry at the time, as any mother knows seeing you child unwell and distressed at times is just awful. He is doing well now though. We were given an inhaler which helps with his wheeze, we were told it was viral wheeze, quite common in small kids. I have asthma and it is in my family, so could be a sign of that, we are also dealing with a small amount of eczema as well…… The joys of parenting huh? 

Family time. Good times, Emotional times.

The past weekend was a BIG deal for me, I think the only people who knew this were my parents and my husband. Why did I only share this with them? For me it was something private and I knew it would only be me who would ‘feel’ it.

This weekend was the first weekend Mr Happy and Little Miss would spend some time with their cousins. My hubby’s brother and sister don’t live locally so this was the first weekend everyone was getting together. I always knew this day would come, I hoped and hope the first time would be the worst. I was looking forward to it, as it would be the first time we would be able to get a photo of the five kiddies under the age of four.

My husbands sister has two girls and his brother has one daughter. And myself and my hubby have our daughter and son. Mr Happy is definitely outnumbered. Seeing all the children together, made me think of Alex, our firstborn who was stillborn at 27 weeks in June 2011. He was the first grandchild and grandson to be born on both sides of our families. I know his absence is always felt by me more than others. And this weekend seeing all the children together, made me miss him even more.

I had discussed the prospect of a photograph being taken with my husband, in the weeks leading up to the family get together. I knew a photo would be taken and I fully supported it and looked forward to obtaining one myself. I have a blue teddy which is referred to as ‘Alex Bear’ in our house. It is a cuddly toy I received when he died and after talking to other bereaved mothers, I felt this teddy should be kept to represent Alex in family photos. He sits out of sight in our bedroom, next to a framed photo of Alex. Little Miss is aware of our Alex bear, has some understanding it is special and isn’t to be played with.

We first used ‘Alex bear’ when Little Miss was three months old. We had professional photos taken of her and us as a family. I explained to the photographer at the time, that I had a special toy I wanted in some photos. We had some family shots with ‘Alex’ as well as Little Miss. The photos of her and ‘Alex’ are really special to me and something special for her to look back on as she grows older. We did the same again last year in November, we had professional family photos taken again and have some great photos of Little Miss and Mr Happy with ‘Alex’. The photos make my heart swell with love for my children and gently remind me I am a mother to three.

September 2012 Little Miss with Alex bear

September 2012 Little Miss with Alex bear

When the time came at the weekend to gather the cousins for a photo, we made sure their faces were clean  and bribed a couple to come and sit for a photo (as they were too busy playing!). I went to retrieve ‘Alex’ from my bag. I explained to Little Miss and my eldest niece (aged 3.5) that this was special ‘Alex bear’ and he would be part of the photo. They both took turns holding him, very cute I thought. When it came time to take photos, we had to be quick, five children aged under four you can imagine the chaos! I only heard one person mention “Oh that’s a nice idea” when I went to get ‘Alex bear’, otherwise I felt the bear was not acknowledged.

While the photo was being taken and afterwards, I was desperate for someone, anyone to ask about, or to look at the bear or make a general comment. After all he is the eldest grandchild, but no words came. I didn’t say anything, I felt by ensuring ‘Alex’ was part of the photo I had played my part, surely someone would like to say something. But nothing. I don’t know what I wanted to hear but I just wanted someone to say his name.

I shared one of the photos I took on my Instagram and Facebook accounts, I was so happy with the photo. It had the five cousins and the Alex bear. As some people may know getting small children to sit still for a photo is next to impossible, but I think family and friends would agree we achieved what we aimed to do. But the photo also makes me sad, seeing Mr Happy sitting as the only boy, fills me with sadness. Not just because he is the only boy, his big brother is missing. What if he never has a brother he can grow up with or a boy cousin he can play with.

November 2014 Little Miss & Mr Happy with Alex bear

November 2014 Mr Happy with Alex bear

I had a brief discussion with the hubby on our way home from the in-laws, and I cried. I cried because I was sad Alex wasn’t there and I also cried because no-one mentioned him. I am so glad my children got to spend time with their cousins its really important to me. I have memories of spending time with my cousins when I was growing up and remember they were good times.

I don’t know when there will be another get together of cousins, but I am glad we have some photos and memories. Family is important and it is also important to me that Alex is awknowledged from time to time.

If anyone reads this and would like to get in touch about anything I have discussed, I would love to hear from you.

NB: Photos used with kind permission of Amanda Ritchie photography
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