Me and Mrs C

A little while ago I shared a blog called Dear Mrs C this post was about me using antidepressants to treat my Post Natal Depression (PND). Shortly after I wrote and shared the post, I made an appointment to see my GP to renew my prescription and to discuss reducing my current dose.

I had been thinking for a while about reducing the dose, I felt the time was right. I had been in a good place for several months and I know when I have my low moments that everything will be ok. I was also worried about any withdrawals I could possibly experience due to the decrease in dosage and I wanted to limit them as much as I could.

I still get overwhelmed at times, with parenting, work, being a wife but who doesn’t? I do however feel I am in a much better frame of mind these days, but I still have my ‘bad’ days. You can do it, Stacey I told myself.

When I saw my GP, I explained how I had been feeling and other things I was doing to maintain a healthy balance in my life. I told him how I like to go to work and feel like ‘Stacey’ and not just a ‘Mummy’. And I really enjoy my time with my children,  also I no longer have the overwhelming feelings of wanting to leave my husband and children. Anyone who has experienced this feeling or is feeling like this, it well and truly SUCKS! Feeling like a failure, and wanting to turn your back on your family you are a part of is very lonely, I never want to feel like that again. At the time I never realised how low I got, I think I hid it quite well at times.

My GP was really good and we both agreed that it was a good time to reduce my dose, by half a tablet. I now take 30mg, one and a half tablets once a day in the morning. My GP explained he would like me to continue on this reduced dose for six months before decreasing any further. I thought this was a really good plan, it would prevent any withdrawals and hopefully help me to remain in a good place.

I started writing this blog post at the end of March and now here I am almost at the end of May. I am due another trip to the doctors for a repeat prescription, it has almost been three months since I reduced my antidepressant and I can say it has been going really well. Phew!

It is so good to write about being in a good place, happy, calm (well relatively calm, my hubby tells me I worry too much!) and to feel like I enjoy my life. I love being a Mum and Wife and I hope I am a better friend and person to those people who know me.

I look back on last year and even the year before and I know now that I wasn’t always in the best frame of mind and I wasn’t really living, but existing.

Me and Mr Happy April 2016

Enjoying my children, something that had previously seemed so, so hard

 

It is so healing for me to look at these photos of myself with my children and know the smile is ‘real’ and not forced. Although like I said, there are some days when the smile is harder to achieve,but the good days are by far outweighing the bad days.

When I saw this ‘Winning’ tank avaliable through TheHood I just knew ut would be perfect for me. I love their collection of T Shirts and Sweaters which sum up Mum Life.

Aus$ 34.99

‘Winning’

Thanks for reading and letting me share, take care xxx

NB: I purchased the ‘Winning’ tank for myself and my opinion is all my own, I love it!

 

 

 

Dear Mrs C

Antidepressants, oh no she said that word! Yep that’s right, I said it, Antidepressants, (in case you didn’t catch it the first time). I take one daily, well actually I take two, (yep two!) in the morning with my breakfast. If my 3.5 year old asks me what I am taking I just reply ‘Mummy’s happy pills’. I don’t feel a girl of her age needs to be told antidepressant, to me they are my happy pills, they have made me genuinely happier. When my daughter is old enough I will explain to her a little more about them.

I thought I would write a letter to give others a little insight into what it has been like for me, over a year ago that I began taking anitdepressants for PND. I’m a big believer in removing the stigma around PND, I am not ashamed, I am proud to share my story.

 

Dear Mrs C

We had a love/hate relationship at the beginning, but now I write this letter to you, as a thank you.

I wasn’t very keen to introduce myself to you, I thought I could get better without you. But you have proven to me that I did indeed make the right decision.

At the beginning it was dreadful, I felt worse before I felt better. Was it worth it feeling the way I did? A few of the side effects I felt were nausea, increased anxiety, feeling disconnected to people around me and wanting to hide away from the world. Slowly but surely, over a month I felt better. I wanted to get out of bed in the morning, I wanted to see people and most importantly I wanted to be a mother to my kids and a wife to my husband again. Finally, we were getting along, you were helping me be me.

Yes our first month together was incredibly tough and I nearly told you to kindly F*** off as you weren’t working, but like most things that are tough and haven’t been done before, it will often seem worse before it gets better.

I knew the way I had been secretly feeling for months and months, no one else really knew, even I didn’t know as most days I put on my brave, happy smiley face, BUT anything had to be better than the way I was feeling. Thanks to you Mrs C, you helped me see through the fog that was distorting my vision and weighing down on my shoulders. Your support has given me the much needed clarity to see through that pesky fog and begin to bulid my life again.

We have been in an relationship for just over a year now, I’d hoped to have ended my relationship with you by now, but I’m not quite ready. And you know what, I think that is ok. I will ease out of my relationship with you when I feel ready, I will not be hasty, after all it was not an easy decision to make in the beginning.

So thanks Mrs C, you are pretty awesome!

Xxxxxx

Little Miss

Mr Happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is just my opinion on taking antidpressants. I feel my PND is currently managed and I am in control of it. Along with taking an antidepressant I have also sought help from a counsellor, friends and my parents as well as my incredibly patient and loving husband, and my beautiful children.

I have still had some bumps in the road, antidepressants are not a quick fix and not for everyone. I just wanted to share my own personal experience of taking one.

If you or someone you know is struggling please help them to seek help. Having PND or any form of depression is not shameful, please speak up there os plenty of help and support out there.

Hubby and I

I’m a #nofiltermum thanks to TheHood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#nofiltermum TheHood

Did you know that Postnatal Depression week has already been and gone for the year in New Zealand? It wasn’t that long ago,  31st October-8th November. I remember briefly seeing something about this, but am I right in thinking there wasn’t much awareness? Today is the last day of PND awareness week in Australia, 15th-21st November. As a big follower of Instagram and following other bloggers who write about their PND journey I have been made aware of TheHood. TheHood is an Australian website and they have designed some fab T shirts and sweaters, in conjunction with COPE- Centre Of Perinatal Excellence . From each sale of a T shirt and sweater a gold coin goes to COPE. The slogans on the clothing says #nofiltermum and #nofilter, check them out here.

TheHood

A little bit of information about TheHood has been put together by twin sisters, Rachel and Natasha Wells in July 2015. They are both mother, Rachel has a son and Natasha has three daughters. Since becoming Mothers they have realised that often its the little things, a text, a smile from a stranger that can really make a difference to a sleep deprived Mummy who is really struggling. Putting their skills and knowledge together, they have created some great tongue-in-cheek messages onto T shirts and sweaters. Rachel and Natasha feel that the motherhood journey should be shared, the good, the bad times and ugly bits.

I made contact with Rachel and shared with her my blog and my journey thought PND and how I found sharing has been helpful to me and hopefully others who read my posts. In her reply, Rachel gave me permission to share some information about TheHood in a blog post. Even though it has been PND awareness week in Australia, she like myself is passionate about sharing raising awareness of this illness.

Blog Post

Raising awareness around PND is very important to me, I AM one of the statistics. I’m not afraid to say I am a #nofiltermum,  No one should ever have to suffer and be on their own with this illness, it is an illness. I did not choose to have it and I would not wish it on anybody. To feel so alone, have thoughts that go round and round in your head all day long, like the song you heard on the radio that you just can’t get out of your head. With no break from these thoughts is exhausting and debilitating.

To question why I wanted to be a Mother has been one of my biggest struggles, to wake up and want to have nothing to do with your children is devastating. They are MY children, part of me, I nurtured them and brought them into the world. “I didn’t sign up for this”, would often be the question I would ask myself the most and “why me?, haven’t I been through enough during my motherhood journey”. I must be the only woman and mother who feels this way.

But I’m not alone, mothers are speaking up and sharing their stories, thank you ladies for making me feel a little less on my own as I fight this illness.

The thoughts are constant, even when I close my eyes at the end of the day, they are still there, round and round they go and you know when you wake in the morning you have to get up and start another day. The dread in my stomach, would forever be present, meaning I didn’t want to eat. You tell yourself that you should eat, but it takes to much energy to prepare anything, you find yourself reaching for anything that is ‘quick and easy’ or skip the meal altogether. And the lack of motivation to enjoy anything in your life has completely vanished, you no longer feel yourself. You are barely existing.

Just the other week my three year old daughter, reminded me of a time earlier this year I thought she would of had no idea about…….

My three year old daughter, walked out to the lounge at bedtime, I presumed it was for a goodnight cuddle and a kiss. We had our cuddle and a kiss and then she asked me if I was still sad? This completely threw me, I wondered where this had come from “Are you sad Mummy? One day you were sad and crying, when you were talking to Daddy?” I quickly wrecked my brain trying to recall the time she was talking about and then she said “remember Mummy you broke the glass and it went ‘smash’ all over the floor”, I then remembered the time she was talking about…..

It had been earlier this year in January, it was when I realised things were not right, I wasn’t ok, I had reached breaking point. I quickly assured my beautiful, caring daughter I was feeling much better and that Mummy was feeling happy, I took her back to her bedroom and tucked her in bed for the night. This brief conversation I had with her, has stayed with me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forget it. I felt heartbroken that she remembered something that had happened over nine months ago, when she was still two. Have I messed this girl up, because she witnessed her Mummy having a breakdown. Thinking about it has made me realise my daughter and my son could remember things about their childhood. I would hate from them to remember their Mum being sad and crying all the time. But this is our reality as a family at the moment, but hopefully not forever.

Mr Happy

Family picnic pf fish and chips

Little Miss

 

I have been writing this post you have just read over several days this week and I have I been struggling. I have felt low and can not figure out why, a bump in the PND road I guess. Last night (Friday) was particularly bad. We were child free and decided on a movie night at home. Thoughts and feelings have been building up over gradually over the past week, but as usual I put on my happy face and face the world.  But last night, I exploded at my husband. I told him I was leaving, I needed to get away and it seemed the logical situation in my irrational brain. I was desperate, I had to get away quickly. I rang my Mum, I knew she would be wake in England, no reply, next my Dad. He answered the phone, I probably wasn’t making sense but he told me to skype him. I spent roughly about an hour talking to my Dad, he got it, he was there even though he was on the other side if the world. See my Dad has been married to my Mum for 36 years and he has lived through depression with her. Of course whilst I was growing up I was not aware of this, my parents did a damn good job at hiding Mum’s depression and Dad’s bankruptcy.

I went to bed last night feeling, a calmer, and so, so appreciative of my Dad, my Mum and my husband. I don’t want to leave my husband at all, and its awful when I feel that it is my only option. I also did something I have never been before. I took a selfie of me lying in bed, with puffy eyes from crying and I shared it on Instagram and this is what I said:

“This is me 5 mins ago about to go to sleep. I see on social media how brave people are about sharing their bad days, well this is me doing the same. It actually takes a lot of guts to do this. Sure I share on my blog about my pregnancy loss and PND journey but I don’t think I ever really show you the reality of it. This is me, blotchy eyes from crying for the past two hours, I told my husband I wanted to leave him. I thought I’d had enough of him but I’ve actually had enough of myself and my mind. I felt desperate and who did I call, my Dad. I spent a good while crying and chatting to him tonight. I now go to bed, feeling a lot of love for my Dad, my Mum and my husband who I do love and don’t want to leave. Thank you for letting me share, I hope to wake in the morning ready to face the day ahead”

November 20th 2015- Photo shared on Instagram

 

 

 

How I’m feeling

Sharing my journey with depression or what I refer to as ‘the fog’ several months ago, was incredibly hard. I debated sharing the post, how would people respond when I shared with friends, family and strangers how I had been feeling. I felt like I had let myself and those closest to me down. Would anyone want to read it? In the end, I did what felt right and I clicked on the ‘publish’ button.

The response was overwhelming and for that I am extremely grateful. Originally I wrote the post for me, I needed somewhere I could share my thoughts and feelings. But I found people sharing how they were and had been feeling too.

Generally life has been getting better and better, I feel most of the time I’m in a good place. I get out of bed in the morning and actually want to get up and I look forward to the day ahead (most of the time). My days with both my kids, (Little Miss and Mr Happy), can actually be fun, although we still have our challenging moments, I find I’m always looking for new and different things to do with them.

Mr Happy 19 months

Little Miss

Mr Happy 19 months

Of course the fog is always there, I accept that. It will probably be always there, hanging around and most definitely not welcome. But that’s ok. I feel more confident that I know, (at times) how to deal with the hours or days where I feel like running away. I have still been seeing my counsellor and this time it is almost a year since I started seeing her again. I’m pretty sure my next appointment with her is my last, and I’m kinda freaking out about it. Will I cope not having her to talk to every few weeks, will it send me backwards. When I next see her I will be sure to share my concerns. Has anyone else ever felt like this????? When I finished seeing her other times, I always felt ready. Does the way I’m feeling now mean I’m not ready? Or has seeing her become a part of life I’m not ready to part with? Ahhhhhh!!!!

Even though I’m generally happier in myself I still have some shit moments and days, but I don’t seem to get as overwhelmed. It does of course depend on what is happening that day. I keep myself busy and work is always a good distraction for me. But I have been thinking lately if some of my friends feel pushed away? I never meant to do that, I don’t mean to isolate myself at all. I have felt at times that I wasn’t a good person to be around and I have probably distanced myself with knowing. If you are reading this and you feel I have pushed away, believe me it was intentional at all.

Do you have somewhere you like to go when you feel overwhelmed? For me it’s the cemetery, I visit Alex. I will sit with him and feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair and I’ll allow myself to be with my thoughts. It’s often quiet there and a good place to think and reflect.

So I think I’m done, I’ve put my thoughts out there. Thanks for reading.

Goodbye September, Hello October

Wow, another week has gone by and tomorrow will be October. Lots happening next month, I have a ball to go too and a wedding, fun times! Plus the other day I found out one of dear friends in England is expecting a baby soon, I love a bit of baby shopping!!!

I don’t work again until Sunday so I had planned to have a day to myself. Poor Mr Happy is not so happy though, he’s sick poor guy. It’s not even lunchtime and he is on his second nap for the day. So a lazy day ahead for us, gives me a chance to do some writing and watch TV. I really enjoy Mr Selfridge, so I’m catching up with that. I just love the clothes, the way they talk and its history. Believe or not I find some history quite interesting. Any other secret Mr Selfridge fans out there????

I’ve always been a bit of a TV watcher, I mean who isn’t?  I find these days I have to be quite selective about what I watch. I will admit though I still watch Eastenders, (much to my husbands annoyance!). For those of you who don’t know it’s a soap set in the East end of London and its been on U.K television since 1985. I have probably watched it from the beginning on/off. We are fortunate to have Sky and I follow it on UKTV. Anyway, I found out that would be covering the storyline of Stillbirth. As someone who has unfortunately experienced one I was keen to see how they would portray it. The U.K. is several weeks ahead of the episodes here in NZ so I was quite prepared for when it would be screened here.

I’m glad they have chosen to portray such a taboo subject. 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss and sadly I am one of those four. I read quite a few stories and watched a few clips before the Eastenders episodes were available here to watch, I wanted to mentally prepare myself. And they did a great job. It made me feel like my experience was normalised and I’m not alone. It took me back to how I had felt at the time, and it was ok. I embrace it, I awknowledge I feel sad and it brings me comfort, if that makes sense. Eastenders had a lot to do with Sands in the U.K whilst they were researching the topic and filming. And I really think the actors who portray the Mother and the Father to the baby did a great job. If you feel you want too, I have selected a couple of the scenes from the recent storyline which I found powerful and what I could relate too.

 

I have been working on some other projects alongside my blog which I’m pretty excited about. Unfortunately I’m not going to share too much right now, hopefully I will be able to tell more soon!!!!! I have approached a couple of online Mum type websites and other blogs, so watch this space.

I’ve developed a bit of an obsession with Instagram, actually who am I kidding I am obsesses with Instagram. It’s been great and putting me in touch with other bloggers and just seeing what others get up too. I actually applied to be a Brand Representative for a couple of businesses I saw via Instagram, sadly I wasn’t picked. I wasn’t really expecting to be but I was gutted. I’m ok now, I’m just too sensitive for my own good. I’m just really keen to help out any small businesses by helping them promote what they have. I guess I will have to see what else comes along.

October also marks babyloss awareness week which is the 9th-15th October. I’m working with my local Sands group to organise some events for this week. We will do a balloon release on the 11th and there will be the ‘Wave of Light’ service on the 15th. I might save how the events of this week go for another blog post.

CarlyMarie, (a bereaved mother who I have mentioned before in previous blog Sands Conference Wellington 19-21 June 2015),  is doing her fourth year of Capture Your Grief. This is a monthly photo challenge for the month of October. I only found out about this year at the Sands conference and when I heard about it, I was immediately keen to take part. The prompts were shared a few days ago. Looking at some of them I’m wondering how I can photograph some of the prompts, I will have to get thinking. I did also think it would be nice to maybe write a few words each day. I will have to let you know how I get on.

The journal I will use to document Capture your Grief 2015

I actually wrote the beginning of this post several days ago before Mr Happy had to go into hospital. I thought it was best to get him checked out by our GP, who quickly rang the hospital as he felt he should be seen by the doctors there. His respiration rate was 60, normal range is 35-45 and his heart was beating faster than usually. Plus watching him breath, he was sucking in his chest where he shouldn’t of been. This poor Mumma, wanted her Mumma but couldn’t, several times I almost burst into tears but managed to push them away. I had to be strong for my boy, plus he was still reasonably happy in himself. By doing this though I have been left feeling overwhelmed and low in mood, how I wish I had let myself cry at the time, as any mother knows seeing you child unwell and distressed at times is just awful. He is doing well now though. We were given an inhaler which helps with his wheeze, we were told it was viral wheeze, quite common in small kids. I have asthma and it is in my family, so could be a sign of that, we are also dealing with a small amount of eczema as well…… The joys of parenting huh? 

Family time. Good times, Emotional times.

The past weekend was a BIG deal for me, I think the only people who knew this were my parents and my husband. Why did I only share this with them? For me it was something private and I knew it would only be me who would ‘feel’ it.

This weekend was the first weekend Mr Happy and Little Miss would spend some time with their cousins. My hubby’s brother and sister don’t live locally so this was the first weekend everyone was getting together. I always knew this day would come, I hoped and hope the first time would be the worst. I was looking forward to it, as it would be the first time we would be able to get a photo of the five kiddies under the age of four.

My husbands sister has two girls and his brother has one daughter. And myself and my hubby have our daughter and son. Mr Happy is definitely outnumbered. Seeing all the children together, made me think of Alex, our firstborn who was stillborn at 27 weeks in June 2011. He was the first grandchild and grandson to be born on both sides of our families. I know his absence is always felt by me more than others. And this weekend seeing all the children together, made me miss him even more.

I had discussed the prospect of a photograph being taken with my husband, in the weeks leading up to the family get together. I knew a photo would be taken and I fully supported it and looked forward to obtaining one myself. I have a blue teddy which is referred to as ‘Alex Bear’ in our house. It is a cuddly toy I received when he died and after talking to other bereaved mothers, I felt this teddy should be kept to represent Alex in family photos. He sits out of sight in our bedroom, next to a framed photo of Alex. Little Miss is aware of our Alex bear, has some understanding it is special and isn’t to be played with.

We first used ‘Alex bear’ when Little Miss was three months old. We had professional photos taken of her and us as a family. I explained to the photographer at the time, that I had a special toy I wanted in some photos. We had some family shots with ‘Alex’ as well as Little Miss. The photos of her and ‘Alex’ are really special to me and something special for her to look back on as she grows older. We did the same again last year in November, we had professional family photos taken again and have some great photos of Little Miss and Mr Happy with ‘Alex’. The photos make my heart swell with love for my children and gently remind me I am a mother to three.

September 2012 Little Miss with Alex bear

September 2012 Little Miss with Alex bear

When the time came at the weekend to gather the cousins for a photo, we made sure their faces were clean  and bribed a couple to come and sit for a photo (as they were too busy playing!). I went to retrieve ‘Alex’ from my bag. I explained to Little Miss and my eldest niece (aged 3.5) that this was special ‘Alex bear’ and he would be part of the photo. They both took turns holding him, very cute I thought. When it came time to take photos, we had to be quick, five children aged under four you can imagine the chaos! I only heard one person mention “Oh that’s a nice idea” when I went to get ‘Alex bear’, otherwise I felt the bear was not acknowledged.

While the photo was being taken and afterwards, I was desperate for someone, anyone to ask about, or to look at the bear or make a general comment. After all he is the eldest grandchild, but no words came. I didn’t say anything, I felt by ensuring ‘Alex’ was part of the photo I had played my part, surely someone would like to say something. But nothing. I don’t know what I wanted to hear but I just wanted someone to say his name.

I shared one of the photos I took on my Instagram and Facebook accounts, I was so happy with the photo. It had the five cousins and the Alex bear. As some people may know getting small children to sit still for a photo is next to impossible, but I think family and friends would agree we achieved what we aimed to do. But the photo also makes me sad, seeing Mr Happy sitting as the only boy, fills me with sadness. Not just because he is the only boy, his big brother is missing. What if he never has a brother he can grow up with or a boy cousin he can play with.

November 2014 Little Miss & Mr Happy with Alex bear

November 2014 Mr Happy with Alex bear

I had a brief discussion with the hubby on our way home from the in-laws, and I cried. I cried because I was sad Alex wasn’t there and I also cried because no-one mentioned him. I am so glad my children got to spend time with their cousins its really important to me. I have memories of spending time with my cousins when I was growing up and remember they were good times.

I don’t know when there will be another get together of cousins, but I am glad we have some photos and memories. Family is important and it is also important to me that Alex is awknowledged from time to time.

If anyone reads this and would like to get in touch about anything I have discussed, I would love to hear from you.

NB: Photos used with kind permission of Amanda Ritchie photography
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Being the Mum I want to be

We all have those nights where we are tired but can’t seem to fall asleep, right? But it’s been quite a few nights this week, in between the coughing, the blocked nose and my thoughts, ahhhhhh!
I’ve been incredibly thoughtful lately, but the other night was definitely an exception. In my attempt to off load my thoughts into my notebook, I found myself thinking more and more. I often find I will think of an idea to blog about right on bedtime,  I usually write things down and I’m done.

This quote popped up on my Facebook recently and it got me thinking about the the kind of Mum I want to be, and my relationship with my Mum. We’ve had our moments when I was growing up when we didn’t get on, but now we are in a great place. I think living on the opposite side of world has helped, I don’t think we take each other for granted. Now I’m a Mum myself I understand a lot more of why my Mum thinks the way she does. When I think back, I remember all the good times with my Mum, more than the bad. I have always felt loved and know she has done the best for me, even when I couldn’t see it at the time.

I also found myself thinking about something someone said to me the other week when I was caught up in the fog. I know that I was not in a good place and I wasn’t able to think about things rationally and I understand it was not meant to upset me, but it did. I found it has played on my mind and I needed to write this blog to unload. I don’t know about you but I know that I’m a highly sensitive person and I can take things the wrong way. I’m terrible for subconsciously beating myself up if I’m having a bad day. I often describe myself as a ‘Bad Mum’, and think to myself, ‘It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I should want to play with my kids’ and ‘Shouldn’t I be happy I have two beautiful children?’  Yes I know I am not a ‘Bad Mum’, but just lately I haven’t felt I have been a good enough Mum.

I know my kids will not be babies, toddlers or preschoolers for ever, but I don’t want to ‘force’ myself to play with them. In just under two years Little Miss will be at school (gulp), but she will be a different girl by then. I’m sure she will excited to share with me all the new skills she is learning at school. I also find as she is getting older there are different ways I can spend time with her. Such as shopping dates, movie dates, going for lunch and helping her with craft activities. I know one day she will have friends that she will want to play and spend time with, but I’m her Mum. I’m sure we will still have quality time together. Of course it won’t be the same as the things we do together now, but as I will watch her grow we have lots of Mum/Daughter time to look forward too.

This of course applies to Mr Happy too. He is currently 16 months old but they grow quickly. It will be a little while yet until he will be school age. I know I have so much to watch him experience and seeing him reach his milestones is just as exciting as when Little Miss reached hers. Plus seeing him doing things in his own way and his personality developing all the time makes my heart swell.

I’m going to try not to give myself a hard time, my children are loved, happy and most importantly healthy. So what I don’t always want to play with them, but I am here. Plus I see it is as a good thing if they learn to play on their own. Isn’t that how imagination develops and builds social skills? I think it is rather healthy to enjoy time on your own and feel comfortable with your own company. I remember going to friends houses after school and having friends over. I would always enjoy spending time with my friends. But I reckon it’s always nice to go home to Mum and Dad.

The Month of August

For me August will always be a month to remember. Firstly August 2008, this was the month I packed up my belongings and moved from Palmerston North to New Plymouth. I was nearing the end of my Nursing degree and I was moving to be with, my now hubby and to begin my final nursing placement. So today, the 25th August marks seven years since I made that move. One of the best moves I ever made. It resulted in me being able to live with the man I love and to get my first nursing job on the ward, where I did my final nursing placement.

I also subconsciously revisit August 2011, the 23rd was the due date of Alex. Of course I never carried him to this month as he passed away at the end of May 2011. The first year was extremely hard, I grieved all over again when we reached that date. I was heartbroken, all I wanted to be doing was complain about being overdue or being sleep deprived from a newborn. I dreaded his due date, but as soon as it had passed I was gutted it had gone. His time was officially over. I think the due date for every bereaved parent is different, you have to do what you feel is right for you. Of course I don’t feel the same about the due date as I did then, but to me it will be date I will always acknowledge to myself.

Ready for work

Happy Kids

The hubby and I escaped to Auckland for a few days, we both felt we had to had getaway and make the due date seem significant. The highlights of our trip was winning $250 in the casino, using Alex’s birth weight, time and date he was born were just some of the numbers that came up on the roulette. Our winnings were used to splash out by treating ourselves to dinner in the revolving restaurant. Getting away for a few days was definitely good for us. We ate out, went to the movies and did a bit of shopping. The distraction of something positive was definitely something we both needed.

Wedding November 2010

Wedding 2010

November 2011 Giants Causeway, N Ireland

August this year 2015, if I’m being honest has been the pits. I was just recovering from surgery and BAM! I took a massive dive on the depression roller coaster. I am slowly on the up, but I’ve been hit with another cold so I’m a tad frustrated. I had been fighting and willing the recent return of the fog to bugger off and I was beginning to feel like myself again. I went to work on Sunday which was really good. All my work colleagues who I worked with were really supportive and were happy to see me back. I’m now sick on my days off which is annoying, I had plans which I have to cancel, yet again.
I had an outburst this morning, I thought I had seen the back of those. I made a frantic call to the crisis team asking for help, I just needed someone to talk too. My hubby is great, but he is struggling. He would never say it, but I know he is. Mr Happy has been a challenge at bedtime lately, ie not wanting to sleep. So my hubby has been up with him and letting me sleep. He feels I don’t appreciate him at times but I do, I really do. He is my rock, my best friend, my special someone and an amazing Dad to our children. For those of you who are reading this and know my hubby, you may think he is tough and can cope (yes someone said this to me recently). But he is a human being who at times needs support, he may not say it but August has been a tough month for him while I have been recovering.

I want to end of a positive note, I have shared more than I intended. Once again when I get writing the words just flow……. The beginning of August has seen us living in our current home, our first home for four years. This is the longest I have lived in one house, apart from my parents house of course. We have lived in this house as a couple, a family of three and now a family of four. We are definitely outgrowing our home, but it’s our home. Now bring on September!

Seeing clearly through the fog

Ahhhh the sun is shining again today, and I’m smiling. The fog is definitely clearing, I can now see through it, I can see through the darkness. Each morning this week I have wanted to get out of a bed, its such a nice feeling compared to the past few weeks.

I even ventured out to town at the beginning of the week and did some jobs and a bit of shopping I needed to do. Whilst I was browsing in a shop did see someone I knew. I’ll admit it, I hid. I didn’t want anyone to see me or talk to me. It has been easy for me to put my thoughts and feelings into words but saying them aloud is not always the same. I was quite happy just looking around and wanted to be left alone with my own thoughts. I found it quite a challenge talking to the sales assistants when buying things, but it had to be done. When I got home, I felt relieved, I was home, I had survived and I had done the jobs I needed to do.

I caught up with my GP this week, we had a good chat. I shed a few tears when he brought up a particular issue and we both decided to keep me on the increased dosage of my antidepressants for now. After leaving the Doctor’s I went to visit a friend. She is someone I haven’t spent a lot of time with, but it was just what I needed. Someone else who knew how I had been feeling. That is the one of the big positives I have gotten from my recent experience living with the fog, I have made connections with a few new people via blogs and locally. Being honest and sharing my journey has definitely paid off. Hopefully here’s the start to some new friendships.

Little Miss

Playing Duplo with Little Miss

As the week has progressed I feel I have become stronger and even enjoyed doing some household tasks. I had plans to cook tea for us one night, but I knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do so. I told my hubby I was feeling overwhelmed and thankfully, he got it. He stepped up and prepared us a meal. He is awesome!

One of the best things about the clearing fog is being able to enjoy Little Miss and Mr Happy again. I feel I have been able to rebuild my relationship with them and just having more patience to listen to Little Miss talk non-stop, makes me smile. As well as seeing what a cool little boy Mr Happy is becoming.

Mr Happy before haircut

Mr Happy before haircut

I spent one day this week with Mr Happy at home, we had a good day. I even took him for his first haircut. I had been putting it off, I just didn’t feels ready to cut my baby’s hair. But he isn’t so much a baby anymore, he’s 16 months old. He did really well, he sat on my knee for half an hour. He moved his head every now and again to check out what the hairdresser was doing, but no tears or tantrums, victory! I feel he needed more hair cut off, but after half an hour he had enough. The IPad was very good for distracting him, and of course I took him a treat. I just can’t believe how much hair he still has!

Post haircut

Post haircut

I also successfully took Little Miss and Mr Happy to music group, which was really good since we didn’t make it last week. Little Miss got to see one of her friends and Mr Happy cruised around the whole time. I also find it a bit of break, I get to socialise with other adults, the kids get to play with others and they provide yummy morning tea!

I am returning to work on Sunday morning and I feel ready. My work mates are lovely and supportive so I know I’ll be fine. Plus I know I am feeling brighter because I don’t want to hide away anymore, I want to see people and be me, Stacey.

Questions to ask before giving up

Through my recent experience with the ‘fog’ I discovered this blog. A wonderful Mum sharing her journey with PND. I felt this blog post was worth sharing. And if fog returns I can hopefully use this to help through some of those dark days.

the PND diaries

So, I  have had an extremely difficult week. My counsellor gave me this sheet of paper in an effort to help me not give up. Today I am working through the list as well as a heap of different grounding techniques to try and pull myself out of the fog since my husband (main support) is away.

I thought i would share in the hope it could also help someone out also x

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