To blog or not blog?

It’s been a far while since I wrote a personal post for my blog. I have had opportunities to do some reviews and it has been great to get back into my writing and the chance to work eith new people. In case you missed them Little Leaf Eco  Chicken Dinner with Countdown and review for Optically.co.nz

I wanted to write this post because my poor blog has been so neglected for almost a year! I never had any intention to take a break or leave it so long. Last year was crazy busy. I changed jobs, we went to England for a month for my brother’s wedding, we sold our first home and bought a new one. BUT before we could sell our previous home, we had to put in a new shower, hire a storage unit to declutter, paint, clean, as well as attend open homes, looking for our new home.

I really struggled with poor health last year too. I don’t know why as I have always been generally healthy, but I had tummy bugs, strep throat, plus a viral illness just before we went to England and then after we moved into our new home I got bronchitis. I was not a healthy Mumma. So far this year has been MUCH better.

I was asked by a reader why I had stopped writing? I explained about our busy year and my blog was one of the things that got put on hold. She then said to me that she hoped I would continue to write and she found me to be a sincere mummy blog. WOW reading that blown me away. And it has definitely given me the incentive to get back into writing again.

I enjoy reading other Mummy blogs, I have done for several years now, even before I thought about writing my own. But I do feel I have to ‘compete’ with them, yes silly I know. But the world of Mummy blogging seems to be very competitive and popular, it’s all about like and shares. If your post isn’t liked then no one else sees it, unless the page has an already established following.  

This is actually one of the reasons I stopped writing, I became really disheartened and I definitely questioned why I was even bothering. I have never been a competitive person, but the pressure got to me. I felt my life didn’t live up to what I was seeing in other blog posts. And I also felt because I don’t live in a big vity I was at a huge disadvantage.

Social media platforms changed the way posts are seen, and one thing I refuse to do it pay to ‘boost’ my post. If I did this for one post, would I then have to do the same for other posts?

Sure you could say I’m a tad miffed I don’t have a following but I honestly don’t mind, I write because I want to write. I am relatively new to blogging and who knows what the future will hold.

I needed to take ‘time out’ last year due to family, work and my health. I will still write when I want too. My life is busy enough without feeling like I have to write a blog post.

Thanks for reading,

Stacey

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New Beginnings

At Katikati January 2016

Katikati January 2016

 

Eek!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhh!

Have I done the right thing?

What if no one likes me?

What if I don’t like it there?

All these thoughts are floating around and around in my brain today, because tomorrow morning I start my new job! I haven’t just moved wards, I have left one hospital and will be starting work at another one. The more and more I think about waking up tomorrow morning and heading off for my first day at my new place of work. I can feel that unsettled feeling in my tummy!

(For those of you that don’t know me or haven’t read my blog before, I am a Registered Nurse and have been since 2009. In this time I have only worked at one hospital. I did move from one ward to another during my time there). So starting at another hospital is a HUGE deal to me.

When I applied for the job at the end of November last year, I never expected to get the job. After all, I was happy with the job I had, why would I want to change? I have always thought a change is important and when I saw the opportunity come up I knew if I didn’t apply I would only regret it. When I told my hubby I was applying for another job, he simply asked ‘Why’? He knew I liked my job and I love nursing so why was I applying for a new job. I explained that these opportunities don’t come along often, plus if I didn’t get the position it wouldn’t matter because I was still doing a job I enjoyed.

The morning of the interview I was pretty nervous, I hadn’t been to an interview since 2008! I went, it lasted about 45 minutes and then I went home. I left the interview, thinking I did want the job but also prepared myself to not get it, as I wasn’t expecting too.

Less than a week later, I received THE phone call. I missed the call so I had to return the call and expected to hear the “I’m sorry…..” speech, BUT, I was told I had the job! OMG, I wanted to a ‘Happy Dance’ but resisted as I still wanted my future emplyer to think I was professional (which I am of course!). This was the week before Christmas and I wouldn’t be starting until the end of February, so I had to keep a lid on my exciting news……

And now here we are the day before I start. Geez I’m freaked out, what if they realise they have made a mistake hiring me?

Will I like this job as much as I liked my other one?

I’m sure I will be fine and worrying about nothing.

A brief note to my work colleagues I have said goodbye too,

Sorry to those I didn’t get to say goodbye to properly, I hate goodbyes, they turn me in to a blubbering mess (my own doing, moving across the other side of the world from my family and dear friends will do that to you!). I thank each and every one of you for being a great people and making my time working with you so enjoyable, I have learnt so much and made a lot of new friends. Us Nurses Rock!

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How I’m feeling

Sharing my journey with depression or what I refer to as ‘the fog’ several months ago, was incredibly hard. I debated sharing the post, how would people respond when I shared with friends, family and strangers how I had been feeling. I felt like I had let myself and those closest to me down. Would anyone want to read it? In the end, I did what felt right and I clicked on the ‘publish’ button.

The response was overwhelming and for that I am extremely grateful. Originally I wrote the post for me, I needed somewhere I could share my thoughts and feelings. But I found people sharing how they were and had been feeling too.

Generally life has been getting better and better, I feel most of the time I’m in a good place. I get out of bed in the morning and actually want to get up and I look forward to the day ahead (most of the time). My days with both my kids, (Little Miss and Mr Happy), can actually be fun, although we still have our challenging moments, I find I’m always looking for new and different things to do with them.

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Mr Happy 19 months

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Little Miss

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Mr Happy 19 months

Of course the fog is always there, I accept that. It will probably be always there, hanging around and most definitely not welcome. But that’s ok. I feel more confident that I know, (at times) how to deal with the hours or days where I feel like running away. I have still been seeing my counsellor and this time it is almost a year since I started seeing her again. I’m pretty sure my next appointment with her is my last, and I’m kinda freaking out about it. Will I cope not having her to talk to every few weeks, will it send me backwards. When I next see her I will be sure to share my concerns. Has anyone else ever felt like this????? When I finished seeing her other times, I always felt ready. Does the way I’m feeling now mean I’m not ready? Or has seeing her become a part of life I’m not ready to part with? Ahhhhhh!!!!

Even though I’m generally happier in myself I still have some shit moments and days, but I don’t seem to get as overwhelmed. It does of course depend on what is happening that day. I keep myself busy and work is always a good distraction for me. But I have been thinking lately if some of my friends feel pushed away? I never meant to do that, I don’t mean to isolate myself at all. I have felt at times that I wasn’t a good person to be around and I have probably distanced myself with knowing. If you are reading this and you feel I have pushed away, believe me it was intentional at all.

Do you have somewhere you like to go when you feel overwhelmed? For me it’s the cemetery, I visit Alex. I will sit with him and feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair and I’ll allow myself to be with my thoughts. It’s often quiet there and a good place to think and reflect.

So I think I’m done, I’ve put my thoughts out there. Thanks for reading.

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The Month of August

For me August will always be a month to remember. Firstly August 2008, this was the month I packed up my belongings and moved from Palmerston North to New Plymouth. I was nearing the end of my Nursing degree and I was moving to be with, my now hubby and to begin my final nursing placement. So today, the 25th August marks seven years since I made that move. One of the best moves I ever made. It resulted in me being able to live with the man I love and to get my first nursing job on the ward, where I did my final nursing placement.

I also subconsciously revisit August 2011, the 23rd was the due date of Alex. Of course I never carried him to this month as he passed away at the end of May 2011. The first year was extremely hard, I grieved all over again when we reached that date. I was heartbroken, all I wanted to be doing was complain about being overdue or being sleep deprived from a newborn. I dreaded his due date, but as soon as it had passed I was gutted it had gone. His time was officially over. I think the due date for every bereaved parent is different, you have to do what you feel is right for you. Of course I don’t feel the same about the due date as I did then, but to me it will be date I will always acknowledge to myself.

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Ready for work

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Happy Kids

The hubby and I escaped to Auckland for a few days, we both felt we had to had getaway and make the due date seem significant. The highlights of our trip was winning $250 in the casino, using Alex’s birth weight, time and date he was born were just some of the numbers that came up on the roulette. Our winnings were used to splash out by treating ourselves to dinner in the revolving restaurant. Getting away for a few days was definitely good for us. We ate out, went to the movies and did a bit of shopping. The distraction of something positive was definitely something we both needed.

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Wedding November 2010

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Wedding 2010

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November 2011 Giants Causeway, N Ireland

August this year 2015, if I’m being honest has been the pits. I was just recovering from surgery and BAM! I took a massive dive on the depression roller coaster. I am slowly on the up, but I’ve been hit with another cold so I’m a tad frustrated. I had been fighting and willing the recent return of the fog to bugger off and I was beginning to feel like myself again. I went to work on Sunday which was really good. All my work colleagues who I worked with were really supportive and were happy to see me back. I’m now sick on my days off which is annoying, I had plans which I have to cancel, yet again.
I had an outburst this morning, I thought I had seen the back of those. I made a frantic call to the crisis team asking for help, I just needed someone to talk too. My hubby is great, but he is struggling. He would never say it, but I know he is. Mr Happy has been a challenge at bedtime lately, ie not wanting to sleep. So my hubby has been up with him and letting me sleep. He feels I don’t appreciate him at times but I do, I really do. He is my rock, my best friend, my special someone and an amazing Dad to our children. For those of you who are reading this and know my hubby, you may think he is tough and can cope (yes someone said this to me recently). But he is a human being who at times needs support, he may not say it but August has been a tough month for him while I have been recovering.

I want to end of a positive note, I have shared more than I intended. Once again when I get writing the words just flow……. The beginning of August has seen us living in our current home, our first home for four years. This is the longest I have lived in one house, apart from my parents house of course. We have lived in this house as a couple, a family of three and now a family of four. We are definitely outgrowing our home, but it’s our home. Now bring on September!

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Seeing clearly through the fog

Ahhhh the sun is shining again today, and I’m smiling. The fog is definitely clearing, I can now see through it, I can see through the darkness. Each morning this week I have wanted to get out of a bed, its such a nice feeling compared to the past few weeks.

I even ventured out to town at the beginning of the week and did some jobs and a bit of shopping I needed to do. Whilst I was browsing in a shop did see someone I knew. I’ll admit it, I hid. I didn’t want anyone to see me or talk to me. It has been easy for me to put my thoughts and feelings into words but saying them aloud is not always the same. I was quite happy just looking around and wanted to be left alone with my own thoughts. I found it quite a challenge talking to the sales assistants when buying things, but it had to be done. When I got home, I felt relieved, I was home, I had survived and I had done the jobs I needed to do.

I caught up with my GP this week, we had a good chat. I shed a few tears when he brought up a particular issue and we both decided to keep me on the increased dosage of my antidepressants for now. After leaving the Doctor’s I went to visit a friend. She is someone I haven’t spent a lot of time with, but it was just what I needed. Someone else who knew how I had been feeling. That is the one of the big positives I have gotten from my recent experience living with the fog, I have made connections with a few new people via blogs and locally. Being honest and sharing my journey has definitely paid off. Hopefully here’s the start to some new friendships.

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Little Miss

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Playing Duplo with Little Miss

As the week has progressed I feel I have become stronger and even enjoyed doing some household tasks. I had plans to cook tea for us one night, but I knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to do so. I told my hubby I was feeling overwhelmed and thankfully, he got it. He stepped up and prepared us a meal. He is awesome!

One of the best things about the clearing fog is being able to enjoy Little Miss and Mr Happy again. I feel I have been able to rebuild my relationship with them and just having more patience to listen to Little Miss talk non-stop, makes me smile. As well as seeing what a cool little boy Mr Happy is becoming.

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Mr Happy before haircut

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Mr Happy before haircut

I spent one day this week with Mr Happy at home, we had a good day. I even took him for his first haircut. I had been putting it off, I just didn’t feels ready to cut my baby’s hair. But he isn’t so much a baby anymore, he’s 16 months old. He did really well, he sat on my knee for half an hour. He moved his head every now and again to check out what the hairdresser was doing, but no tears or tantrums, victory! I feel he needed more hair cut off, but after half an hour he had enough. The IPad was very good for distracting him, and of course I took him a treat. I just can’t believe how much hair he still has!

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Post haircut

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Post haircut

I also successfully took Little Miss and Mr Happy to music group, which was really good since we didn’t make it last week. Little Miss got to see one of her friends and Mr Happy cruised around the whole time. I also find it a bit of break, I get to socialise with other adults, the kids get to play with others and they provide yummy morning tea!

I am returning to work on Sunday morning and I feel ready. My work mates are lovely and supportive so I know I’ll be fine. Plus I know I am feeling brighter because I don’t want to hide away anymore, I want to see people and be me, Stacey.

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An unexpected Hospital stay

I went to bed as usual on Thursday night, feeling fine but tired after a few busy days working.

I woke just after one in the morning with a mild tummy ache, “I’ll just go back to sleep” I thought to myself. I woke again at four, tummy ache still there, but I also needed to use the toilet, “it’s probably just that”. Upon returning back to bed, the pain. was. WORSE! I put up with it for several hours until I told the hubby “I think I might need to go to hospital”. Luckily the in-laws were able to come to our house to stay with the kids.

Upon getting to hospital, I was quickly seen. A kind nurse took pity on me trying to sit comfortably in a waiting room chair. I got my own private room in ED. It was a relief to be able to lie down again. If I kept really still the pain wasn’t as bad.

I had an IV cannula inserted, bloods taken, seen by a couple of doctors that suspected it was Appendicitis, crikey! I had half expected them to tell I had a bad tummy ache and to harden up and go home. Looking back the day went really quickly, I was feeling pretty shell shocked that I was going to need surgery, HOLY CRAP! I had a general anaesthetic when I was 8, was it wasn’t SURGERY!

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The staff at the hospital were great, explaining everything and I had a few of them recognise me from working there, so I definitely felt well looked after. I had a lovely nurse with me before I went to sleep and she was there when I woke up.

I have studied and looked after patients that have had an anaesthetic but nothing really prepares you for having one yourself. The pain from the gas they use to inflate the abdomen is TERRIBLE! Actually hurts more than the incision sites. I experienced quite a bit of pain in my right shoulder the day after the surgery, a heat pack was the best thing for it.

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In total I had two days and two nights in hospital, I chose to stay an extra night as I knew once I got home it would be harder to rest with Little Miss and Mr Happy around. Plus I think it was good for me not to rush home, and I enjoyed catching up on reading my book. My hubby has been brilliant, I’m a lucky lady! The poor guy is stuck doing EVERYTHING at the moment, he never complains though.

I’m home now resting up. And I am being a good patient and doing nothing! I HATE it, not used to sitting around, but of course it does have some advantages! Off work for a few weeks, then back to light duties? Hmmmm, I’m sure my nursing friends are thinking ‘light duties on the ward?’ Good luck with that! I’ll just have to see how I go. I am feeling pretty sore, so, so tired and I hardly have an appetite. When I do want to eat I only want savoury things. My sweet tooth has disappeared. I’m expecting it to make an appearance again when I am 100%.

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Visited by Little Miss x

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Resting up with Mr Happy x

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