How I’m feeling

Sharing my journey with depression or what I refer to as ‘the fog’ several months ago, was incredibly hard. I debated sharing the post, how would people respond when I shared with friends, family and strangers how I had been feeling. I felt like I had let myself and those closest to me down. Would anyone want to read it? In the end, I did what felt right and I clicked on the ‘publish’ button.

The response was overwhelming and for that I am extremely grateful. Originally I wrote the post for me, I needed somewhere I could share my thoughts and feelings. But I found people sharing how they were and had been feeling too.

Generally life has been getting better and better, I feel most of the time I’m in a good place. I get out of bed in the morning and actually want to get up and I look forward to the day ahead (most of the time). My days with both my kids, (Little Miss and Mr Happy), can actually be fun, although we still have our challenging moments, I find I’m always looking for new and different things to do with them.

Mr Happy 19 months

Little Miss

Mr Happy 19 months

Of course the fog is always there, I accept that. It will probably be always there, hanging around and most definitely not welcome. But that’s ok. I feel more confident that I know, (at times) how to deal with the hours or days where I feel like running away. I have still been seeing my counsellor and this time it is almost a year since I started seeing her again. I’m pretty sure my next appointment with her is my last, and I’m kinda freaking out about it. Will I cope not having her to talk to every few weeks, will it send me backwards. When I next see her I will be sure to share my concerns. Has anyone else ever felt like this????? When I finished seeing her other times, I always felt ready. Does the way I’m feeling now mean I’m not ready? Or has seeing her become a part of life I’m not ready to part with? Ahhhhhh!!!!

Even though I’m generally happier in myself I still have some shit moments and days, but I don’t seem to get as overwhelmed. It does of course depend on what is happening that day. I keep myself busy and work is always a good distraction for me. But I have been thinking lately if some of my friends feel pushed away? I never meant to do that, I don’t mean to isolate myself at all. I have felt at times that I wasn’t a good person to be around and I have probably distanced myself with knowing. If you are reading this and you feel I have pushed away, believe me it was intentional at all.

Do you have somewhere you like to go when you feel overwhelmed? For me it’s the cemetery, I visit Alex. I will sit with him and feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair and I’ll allow myself to be with my thoughts. It’s often quiet there and a good place to think and reflect.

So I think I’m done, I’ve put my thoughts out there. Thanks for reading.

Breathing a sigh of relief

I woke this morning, and I actually wanted to get up. I did think about rolling over and closing my eyes but I thought to myself ‘I’ll get up and have a cup of tea”. And I actually made Mr Happy his porridge, something I haven’t done for quite a few weeks and I felt proud I accomplished this task. It may sound a small task, but to me it was huge.

See that’s one of the things about depression, carrying out and finishing a task no matter how big or small is actually impossible. For the past few weeks, for many days I have had to force myself to do things we manage to do nearly everyday. Plus, my appetite has been non existent, and when I have eaten I probably haven’t eaten the best foods. But who cares? Its food right? I know that eating well is fundamental to helping with depression, but I struggle to make something nutritious when I have hardly any energy, motivation or an appetite. And the thought of going out feels me with dread. Plus I often say to myself ‘be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can”.

16/8/2015

Little Miss

Mr Happy 16 months

I also know it is important to get out for a walk, exercise in fresh air is great for boosting a mood, but yet again it was something else that I struggled with. I did get out for a walk with a friend one morning last week which was good. I was really proud of myself for doing it and making the effort. My hubby phoned when I got home and asked if I wanted to meet him in town for lunch. It was a lovely thought, but I had already wanted to turn the car round when driving to meet my friend as the anxiety was kicking in. I was now home and I wanted to stay. I felt secure and safe. He of course understood, he just wanted to check in and see how I was doing.

I have made a few plans for this week, which is good for me. And I am even preparing to be home with Mr Happy all by myself one day this week. To me this will be a big day, which is strange as this was something that would happen quite often. I’m so desperate to have a relationship with Mr Happy again and of course Little Miss. I’m hoping we will have a good day together and if everything doesn’t go as planned, I can call my hubby at work for support.

Found on cardstore.com

littlebylittle by anothernicole on Flickr

As I am starting to see a glimpse of light through the fog, I can breathe a sigh of relief and know that things will get better. I’m looking forward to being Stacey again, a Mum who wants to spend time with her children and be a wife. It will also be good to enjoy doing the things that make me, and to actually go outside and see people again. Thinking of this brings me hope and a smile to my face.

Lumps and Bumps

I saw this article this morning and I wanted to share. I think these women are awesome and the more I read the article and look at the photos, I just admire them. If someone approached me to stand with my kids in my underwear and photograph us I would actually do it. If the right opportunity came up. Don’t worry this blog post does not contain any photos of me in my underwear!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3118998/Imperfections-beautiful-Mothers-proudly-bare-postpartum-bodies-pose-kids-photo-series-urges-women-embrace-flaws.html

I’m sure most of us who are mothers to living and angel babies, have our issues with our bodies. I know I do. Since returning to work at the end of April I have had lots of lovely comments from work colleagues and a few friends on commenting of how good I look. Sure I feel good, the clothes I want to wear fit me, I’m pretty lucky but I constantly worry that someone is going to ask me when my next baby is due!

I am not a fan of my belly, there I said it. I’m sure some of you who are reading this and see me on a regular basis are thinking what the hell?! There is nothing wrong with her belly! And if you are thinking this, thank you! And I love you! Depending how I’m feeling on a particular day I get really self conscious about my belly and I prefer to wear tops that I feel don’t ‘cling’ to the belly area. I’m not one to commit to a gym memebership and if I’m honest I’m pretty lazy when it comes to exercise. I try to get to yoga once a week but this doesn’t always happen. I like to get out for walks but I definitely don’t do any work on my abdominal area. I sometimes think it’s my fault my post baby belly is the way it is, but perhaps it’s just my shape. I saw this great quote by Jennifer Garner which I thought summed up how I feel and how some of you might feel. Of course the children’s names are different.

I think this quote is great, and I will have to remember it if anyone does ever comment on my belly.

A woman’s post baby body is beautiful, it tells a story. After all we all have a story to tell regarding our pregnancy or pregnancies, our labours and births. They are all different. I know I am truly blessed to have the children I have and I do try to tell myself this when I’m looking in the mirror.

Things I should do more.

I saw this article pop up on Facebook news feed the other day, via The Sleep Store New Zealand. It was titled 4 Steps to Shake a Bad Mood. I was intrigued. I’m sure most people can relate to having a bad mood, bad day or bad week and anything that might help shift that bad mood is most welcomed. The full article can be found on Psychologytoday.com

Go Outside- Well this seems pretty straight forward to me, I have to go outside to hang out the washing, get in the car, feed the guinea pig…… The article discusses taking a 5 minute walk a round the block, taking deep breathes of fresh air, whatever the weather. This seems pretty easy to me, but often not achievable. I find if I’m leaving the house it is usually to get in the car to go somewhere. I probably should are more use of my street and the area which we live. Geez, I sound pretty lazy don’t I? I don’t think I am. When I’m having one of those (bad) days getting out, even for 5 minutes is hard work, surely I’m not the only one who thinks this? When I do get out I definitely do feel better and I’m glad I did it, but it is hard to remember that feeling when you are just wanting to hide away from the world.

Listen to uplifting music- I do try this one, but of course it doesn’t always happen. Especially when I put the music channel on at home, I usually hear “I want my programmes on Mummy”, damn it! I want to listen to my music. The car is definitely the place where I do listen to my music, only very occasionally when I’m desperate I put child themed songs on. I like to listen to recent bands but also songs that take me back to my ‘indie/rock club days’.

Make a gratitude list- I actually don’t do this but I probably should do from time to time. The article suggests to, make a list of 10 things you are grateful for right now, list events that have brought you joy and list the people who support you. I’m a list person, I write a list for most things and even have a notebook where I keep all my lists. (Including ideas for blog posts). The list probably won’t even take Thame long and I think it should be relatively easy to do when you have a serious case of cabin fever.

Call a Friend- This was the last step, and this was something I used to find really easy to do, back in my teen years before mobile phones. I didn’t have my first mobile until I was 18! Haha. Anyway, I used to talk on the phone for hours at a time in my teen years, much to my parents annoyance at times. I now use my mobile to text, private message on Facebook or email a friend to keep in touch. I think they are all great forms of communication. You can let someone know straight away you are thinking of them or tell them something you know they will appreciate, and even include a photo or a happy face. The article stated that although Facebook and texts are easy and convenient, they lack human connection. I agree with this, but I think you can put thought into a message and still give it a personal touch. Plus the advantages is if someone is busy, they can reply to your message when they are ready.