June

The month of June, I look forward to it but I also dread it. I love it but I also dislike it.

June marks the half way point of the year, and dare I say it, only another six months until Christmas, eek! June is also the beginning of summer in England and the beginning of winter in New Zealand. Living in New Zealand now for just over 12 years I am well adjusted to the seasons here, but June will always be a summer month to me.
I celebrate and remember some pretty special people during this month. The first week of June, it is one of my younger brothers birthday and Little Misses birthday. (I still remember the same brother saying to me shortly before I had Little Miss that I wasn’t too have her on his birthday, as it was his day). Brothers huh?

June 2nd 2011 was the day my beloved Grandpa passed away, he lived for 97 years, pretty good innings huh? And the 3rd June 2011 was the day I delivered our beloved, firstborn baby boy Alex.

This year marked five years since we met him and said goodbye to him. Wow, five years, it’s quite a milestone huh? The build up to the day was harder that the actual day itself, it always is. I had the day planned, I knew how we would celebrate his day and we did.

It is a day to remember him, but of course it is also a day to celebrate. I miss him everyday, and often find my mind wandering at different times of the day, what would he look like, what would he enjoy? What would he have liked for his fifth birthday?

A few days leading up to his birthday I explained to Little Miss that we would be having a family day for Alex’s birthday. Mummy and Daddy would not be going to work and the four of us would have a day of fun. Little Miss decided Chipmunks would be a great idea (indoor soft play venue), followed by cupcakes for afternoon tea and a trip to the cemetery with Nana and Grandad (my Husband’s parents) to do our balloon release.

When I was having this conversation with Little Miss, one evening after dinner, she looked at me and said “But Mummy, Alex is supposed to go to school this year”. With these words I burst into tears. Just hearing these words from my daughter made the event seem more real. I hadn’t felt like crying prior to my chat with her, so the tears caught myself as well as her off guard. I guess with the lead up to the actual day, the tears were a form of release. Little Miss and I shared a hug and I explained to her that Alex couldn’t go to school because he lives with the stars, but he would be watching over her when it will be her and Mr Happy’s turn to venture off to school.

To us Alex is our shining star, we look to the sky at night and we can always see him. Little Miss will always point to one of the brightest stars and says it is Alex. For me and our family I feel it is really important to have a symbol we can look for and see and be able to think of our boy and big brother.

We had a lovely day remembering Alex and celebrating his fifth year. To me as hard as it is, his birthday is a celebration. He existed, he was and still is my first born baby. I think of him everyday, and these days I smile. It wasn’t always easy to smile but know I feel that I can.

Here are some of the photos from our day.

Mr Happy

Slide Fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Yummy Cupcakes

Beautiful Flowers 3 vases xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Balloon release

xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loss: Part Four- Wonderful Mama

This a post I wrote for Emma Stewart of Wonderful Mama in November 2015.

Emma was asking for Women to share stories of Baby Loss.

I was able to share my story of the loss of Alex

• Feelings at the time
• Reflection
• Advice to Others

My hope is that no has to experince the devasting loss of a baby/child. I write about my loss as it is my therapy of working through my grief and if my story was read by another ad helped them than I hope it helps.

Loss: Part Four

Much Love

Stacey xxxx

Dear Lily

I realise as I start to write this, the person who it is intended for my actually never see it. But that is not going to stop me from writing. I need to write to this person, they need to know how their story has provided me with comfort at times. What we have both experienced, as well as what others have experienced, well there are no words to explain it. There are many words I could use to describe it, but I am not going to list those words right now.

As soon as I saw the post on social media post yesterday morning, I had to open the link immediately. I read the brief story and then I listened, to a beautifully written song.

Here is the song “Something’s Not Right” Lily Allen contributed to the movie Pan.

 

Lily Allen thank you. Thank you for sharing this song and your thoughts about your Son with the world.

I remember hearing and reading about the loss of your son five years ago, I was heartbroken for you. I couldn’t imagine what you were thinking, feeling and going through at that time. I felt sad for you and just wanted what I reading not too be true. Through your music and seeing you perform live, you came across as such a feisty, carefree and strong woman. Would or could you still be this woman I imagined she you were this heartbreaking loss? I guess the only person who can answer that is Lily herself.

Lily you have kept your loss of your Son private and I thank you for now sharing. On the anniversary of the fifth year since you first met your boy. The words are beautiful and honest. You may of been told you are a strong and brave woman, and you truly are. Although at times you would not of felt like that. I too have had those words to me and I too do not feel strong and brave. I have experienced something very similar to you though, I too lost my firstborn baby, a Son.

I mentioned earlier I remember the time when you had your loss, it was before I knew I was pregnant with my first baby. After my loss, I thought about you and realised we had something in common, we had both joined a club we didn’t want to join. I find myself rereading your story on the Internet, I was desperate to talk to anybody who understood and could give me any form of comfort at that time.

Like yourself, I too am a strong supporter of Sands. I went to my first meeting a month after Alex died and I still go to monthly meetings now, four years on. I am extremely passionate about Sands and I’m constantly searching for ways to awknowledge Alex’s memory.

I will now end this note to you now Lily, we will probably never meet but I wanted you to know how truly special this song is, thank you again for sharing it. I know it is not always for everyone to share and put their thoughts and feeling out there for others to read and hear.

Here on The Daily Mail website Lily Allen shares how losing her Son is something “I’ll never get over”

I will end this post by sharing my favourite Lily Allen song ‘The Fear’

 

Love, Empowerment and Strength through Loss – Part 3 (3 part series)

Here it is, the third and final part of my birth story. In this I share my births with Little Miss and Mr Happy.

 

Thanks for reading xxxx

 

Source: Love, Empowerment and Strength through Loss – Part 3 (3 part series)

Love, Empowerment and Strength through Loss – Part 2 (3 part series)

The second part of my story…… Alex’s birth.

Source: Love, Empowerment and Strength through Loss – Part 2 (3 part series)

Love, Empowerment and Strength through Loss – Part 1 (3 part series)

This is my story of birthing Alex, my Stillborn first baby and birthing my two subsequent children.

I also share the what happened on the day we discovered he had died and the events leading up to his birth.

Part Two and Part Three to follow

Source: Love, Empowerment and Strength through Loss – Part 1 (3 part series)

Little Miss turns 3.

We have had a busy weekend, celebrating our daughters 3rd birthday. 3 how the hell can she be 3?! I still remember bringing her home from hospital like it was last month, it’s crazy how quickly time flies.

We had a birthday party for her on Saturday at our local Parents Centre. We don’t have a big home, plus you don’t have to clean and tidy your home before the guests come! The parents centre was perfect, it has a safe kid friendly garden for the kids to play in, table and chairs that are kid sized and more toys than a toy shop! Little Miss enjoyed running around with her friends and the kids and parents were came all seemed to enjoy themselves.  All in all the party was a hit.

I think I may of mentioned in a previous blog post I planned to make her a princess castle cake. My hubby is always willing to help and most of the decorating is done by him. We had lots of lovely comments about the cake and we were really pleased with how it turned out, plus Little Miss was loved it. She seemed to get rather overwhelmed when we sang Happy Birthday and because I was right bedside her, she looked at me the whole time the song was sang with a shy look on her face. When the singing was finished and before she blew out her candles she said to me, ‘I want a hug’. So we had a hug and then she blew out her candles. Such a cute and beautiful moment, I hope I never forget it.

  

Little Miss was super spoilt for her birthday, a huge thank you to everyone for her gifts. I remember my birthdays as a kid and loved every single one and I hope my kids will have those special memories.

I wasn’t working so we went to the park and fed the ducks this morning and this afternoon I got to witness Little Miss riding her bike, all by herself! So cool! She has the stabilisers on, or training wheels as people in NZ like to call them. Peppa Pig calls them stabilisers so I’m sure Little Miss will too! It was great watching her get the hang of the pedals and becoming more confident, a proud Mum moment.   

Remembering Alex

10:18am on Friday 3rd June 2011, is a day forever etched in my mind. It is the day we welcomed Alex Michael Smith into the world. He couldn’t stay though, he was stillborn. He was 27 weeks gestation, a perfect bundle of 2lb 2oz and 37cm long. There was nothing wrong with our dear boy. My husband was holding my hands as I birthed Alex and I remember looking to my left hand side and my Mum was holding onto my Mother-in-law, both were crying. Tears of sadness? Or maybe tears of joy. Or maybe both. I remember being asked by the midwife before he was born if I wanted him placed on my stomach. “I don’t know”, I replied, “let’s just get him out first”. My first instinct was to grab him and pull him close, which I did. I looked at my Mum and said “He looks so familiar” and she said “Of course he does, he yours”. He sure was, is, my first born Son and baby.

We spent most of that day with Alex at the hospital in the room in which he were born. The things I remember most about that day are holding him, staring him and loving every one of those previous moments. Only a few family members got the privilege to see him and hold him, we decided it wasn’t a time for friends to visit. We took as many photos as we could. I had left my camera at home, but luckily the others who were there took photos. I couldn’t bring myself to have a photo with Alex, I felt I had to smile in the photo and I didn’t feel like smiling. That is something now I wish I had done. I think we always look back at pivotal moments in our life and think about how we could of changed them to make it better. I do love the photos we have, they are very special. Leaving the hospital without him was gut wrenching. I’m sure I must of cried the whole way home. I feel a piece of me died that day and that part is with Alex. I hold his memory in my heart and he was buried in mine and Daddy’s love.

Wednesday 3rd June 2015, Happy 4th Birthday to Alex. 🍰🍰🍰🍰🎈🎈🎈🎈

My husband and I decided last year that each year we would use Alex’s birthday as a family day. We would both take the day off work and do something fun with Little Miss and Mr Happy. We are thinking about swimming, since Little Miss has been asking to go to the pool lately. We will visit his grave at the cemetery, take him some flowers and we will release 3 balloons. We released 2 balloons at his funeral and it has always seemed to be something special we can do each year to mark his birthday and to eventually involve his siblings. We chose 3 balloons because we felt one balloon represented us, his parents and siblings, one balloon on behalf of my family and the third balloon symbolises my husbands family.

Last year I made 3 cupcakes, so this year it will be 4. Plus I have the added help of Little Miss to help me decorate the cupcakes. She has already requested we make Alex a pink one! Each year I try to think of something we can do as a present for him, the idea of donating money to a worthy cause is always a good thought. But back at the beginning of April CarlyMarie  was offering a deal on one oh her beach butterfly memorial prints. There were lots to choose from but I’m pleased with the one I picked. We can put the print onto a photo, card or a canvas if we wish.

For those of you that are interested CarlyMarie has a Facebook page and a website. She is a bereavement artist from Perth, Australia and she will be the keynote speaker at the Sands Conference in Wellington on 19-21st of June, so I’m looking forward to hearing her speak.

Thank you if you have read this, it means a lot to me to be able to share my journey.

Turning 34………

The day is almost here, May 25th is my birthday!!! 34, geez I’m getting old. I guess since I will be 34 I must be in my mid 30’s?! That freaks me out more than actually turning a year older. Perhaps I’ll just tell people I’m in my early to mid 30’s, haha. I popped to the supermarket a couple of evenings ago and I got asked for ID. Yes! I must look younger than 25. I remember when I was younger, I used to get offended if I was asked for ID but the other night, I was actually happy to hand over my drivers license.

I have had so much positive response towards my blog, thanks everyone. I really wasn’t expecting it, so thank you for taking the time to read it.

I thought I would share a few things about me, some of you may already feel you ‘know’ me but I’m sure there will be at least one thing of the list that you didn’t know. Since I’ll be 34 in a couple of days, I’ll share 34 things about me,

1) I was born in Bolton, but grew up in Bournemouth

2) My favourite animal is a Pig

3) I have 3 tattoos

4) My man crush is Ryan Phillipee

 

5) My girl crush is Jennifer Lawrence

 

6) I have had my heart broken

7) One of my favourite songs is ‘Pure Shores’ by All Saints

8) I love to watch trash TV, Teen Mom OG is my current fave

9) I love the Back to the Future trilogy, the second one is my fave.

10) I HATE frogs

11) I’m currently taking antidepressants

12) I snore (so the husband tells me) I blame the antidepressants!

13) I don’t like olives

14) I love mushrooms

15) I’m afraid of heights

16) I would love to visit New York

17) My favourite band is Muse

18) One of my pet hates is when strangers stand too close to me in a queue

19) I have to close curtains in a certain way

20) I can’t stand black liquorice 

21) In my opinion the best TV show ever was Friends 

 

(I definitely do this!)

22) I enjoy reading

23) I’m not a strong swimmer

24) I passed my driving test when I was 21, on my third attempt

25) I have skydived

26) I cry every time I watch Forrest Gump

 

27) I’m not a Star Wars fan

28) I have never cooked a roast dinner on my own

29) I get the hiccups when I eat anything too spicy

30) When I left school I almost starting training to be a nursery nurse

31) I love yoga

32) I have had professional counselling, and continue to still see a counsellor 

33) I want to be a palliative care nurse

34) I’m contemplating a 4th tattoo…….

Now I have finished this list I can suddenly think of more things I could add to it. Originally when I thought of writing 34 things about myself I thought I wouldn’t manage it, but I did. It was actually fun.